


Spiralling

by YunhosFlower



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Implied/Referenced Cheating, relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:53:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 35,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22184392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YunhosFlower/pseuds/YunhosFlower
Summary: Wooyoung wasn't the guy she thought he was... but neither is his best friend. Can she trust one after what the other did?
Relationships: Choi San/Reader, Jung Wooyoung/Reader
Comments: 27
Kudos: 104





	1. Chapter 1

You were suffocating. Your cries didn't allow air to rush into your lungs before the next sob scraped out of your throat. 

Everything hurt, your heart, your head, your knees where you'd fallen to the ground, where you'd decided to stay. 

You held your legs to your chest, tears blurring the sight of your bleeding knees and the ripped material around the scrapes. 

I hate him. You chanted it in your mind over the sounds of your sniffles, finally managing to find a break in your emotions to suck in a deep breath. 

But it didn't matter how many times you said it to yourself, the simple fact was that you didn't hate him. 

You should, oh you should hate him with every tiny fibre and muscle in your body. 

But how could you hate Jung Wooyoung? 

By the time you forced yourself up onto your feet and forced your feet on the path home, you'd all but cried every bit of liquid out of your body. 

But the pain hadn't stopped, not in your knees, not in your head and definitely not in your heart. 

It was joined now with an anger, boiling far too close to the surface as you slammed your way inside of your apartment, caring little for the large dent that the door handle created in the adjacent wall. 

"You think you can just cheat on me and get away with it?" You snarled at your kitchen island as you stormed past it, directly to the bathroom where you tore your clothes off with so much ferocity that something let out a rip of protest at some point. 

It didn't matter. 

Nothing did. 

The water from the shower did little to soothe either pain or anger, in fact the longer you forced yourself to remain still under the steady stream the more it grew. 

"Y/n?" A hesitant and familiar voice cut through your seething thoughts and you flicked the water, which had run cold now, off. 

Jung Fucking Wooyoung. 

"Get out." You said loudly as you grabbed your towel, wrapping it around yourself just in time to avoid being caught naked by your boyfriend as he rounded the corner, eyes wide with concern and some other emotion. 

For a moment you couldn't quite place it, because you'd never seen it in his eyes before. 

And then he was opening his lips, words pouring from him and you understood the emotion hiding in his irises. 

Guilt. 

"No, get out." You shook your head at him, cutting off whatever shitty excuse he was about to peel off to you. His mouth closed slowly, eyes narrowing somewhat at you. 

You didn't care. You'd cried your heart out already, not your fault that he'd come too late to catch you in a forgiving mood. 

"Y/n if you'd just let me fucking explain-" 

A rush of rage sent you barrelling at him, hands gripping the unbuttoned collar of his shirt and half shoving him half pulling him you dragged him to your doorway, where the door was still swung wide open. 

That explained how he'd gotten in. 

"Explain what Wooyoung? How much better in bed she is?" The tears were coming again now, you could feel them burning behind the backs of your eyes, threatening to spill down your cheeks as you faced him down in the doorway. 

You were furious, you were hurt and it was his fault. 

"I loved you Wooyoung, how could you do this to me?" You were barely more than whispering now and you could see the shine of tears in his own eyes. At least he was regretting it. 

"It wasn't what it looked like." He insisted weakly, completely your eyes. 

"Wooyoung you were literally kissing her, I'm not sure how you plan to excuse that away but by all means, try." You waited, hand resting on your hip as your tears finally broke free and spilled down your cheeks. 

Part of you was hoping desperately that he could summon something half believable up, that the two of you could go back to how it had always been. 

You and him against the world, together. 

But the lost look in his eyes answered you before his lips could and you let out a soft sob before you slammed the door in his face. 

Nothing had ever hurt like this. 

You'd been cheated on before, you'd had your heart broken more times than you could count on both hands by now. 

But this still felt worse, deeper. 

Maybe because you'd never been so convinced in all your life that someone was right for you in the way you'd thought Jung Wooyoung was. 

He'd had his flaws, like everyone, like you, but it hadn't mattered.

Until it did, until now. 

A sound that was something between a whine and a cry slipped from your lips as you curled yourself into a tighter ball under your sheets, hands clenching and unclenching one his shirts that you'd found crumpled below the bed as you'd gone to throw yourself onto it. 

It still smelled like him and you couldn't help the memories that clung like smoke to his smell, to this smell. 

The happy memories, of waking up to butterfly kisses on your forehead and his arms wrapped securely around you. 

The moments of happiness you'd had with him curled up with your head on his lap, his fingers entangled in your hair as you both discussed your days together. 

He'd never mentioned her before in those discussions, the one you'd seen him pressing against the wall outside of his apartment, her hands wrapped enticingly around his neck. 

Forget it, forget him. You rolled, throwing the shirt in the general direction of your bedroom doorway. 

You wished that throwing the shirt was all it would take to remove him from you, from your life and memories. 

A knock interrupted your miserable musing of all the places you'd have to avoid for a while and all the things you'd have to forget about him. 

With a sniff you dragged yourself reluctantly up and out of bed, wrapping yourself in one of the fallen blankets before picking your way to the door. 

Whoever was there didn't need to see your half thrown together outfit of an oversized jumper and leggings, a blanket was definitely far more acceptable. 

"Who is it?" You asked as you opened the door, praying to every lord above that whoever was on the other side wasn't Wooyoung. 

"Y/n..." Soft eyes met yours, warm and concerned, almost apologetic. 

"San?" You blinked slowly, the cogs of your brain turning sluggishly as you tried to process the sight before you. Wooyoung's best friend stood cautiously on the other side of your doorway, a bright box tucked under his arm and a handful of crushed flowers in his other hand. "What are you doing here?" 

As hard as you tried, you couldn't fathom a possible reason that he would be standing here with his dark hair clinging wetly to his forehead and neck and flowers in his hands. 

"Well," He cleared his throat softly and stepped forward while you stepped back, allowing him inside despite your confusion. He kept his eyes on you while he moved past, leaning himself against the kitchen island. "I heard what happened." 

Of course. 

But still you couldn't quite understand why he was here. Wooyoung was his best friend and while the two of you had grown incredibly close, you would have assumed him to remain loyally at Wooyoung's side. 

Not that you were going to complain, you were barely holding yourself together and it was nice to have someone, even his best friend, check up on you. 

"I don't want to talk about it." You said quietly as you closed the door and looked over at him. His lips twitched sadly and he nodded, eyes casting down to the floor. 

Your eyes were drawn back to the bright box under his arm and you resisted the urge to ask about it, instead moving to step past him into the kitchen. 

Your intention to offer him a glass of water was cut short by his hand darting out to grab your wrist and tug you back towards him where he drew you into a tight hug. 

"San, I'm okay." Your words become muffled in his chest, which was probably for the best because otherwise he would have heard the lie in your voice. 

Your lip began to quiver when his hand stroked against the small of your back, his cheek pressed against the top of your head. 

This was how he'd held you when you'd turned up at his and Wooyoung's apartment with tears streaming down your cheek, desperately asking for your boyfriend on the day that your cat had died. 

Back then you'd barely noticed how comforting his arms around you felt, or perhaps you hadn't thought so then because you'd only craved Wooyoung's as you cried into his chest. 

"I'm sorry, Y/n. I'm so so sorry." You felt him whisper more than you heard it and you clung tightly to him, burying your face deeper into his chest. You had no idea why he was apologising but it didn't matter. 

Despite the devastation of your life, at least one person cared enough to hold you when you needed it the most.

After what felt like too long and not long enough San finally disentangled your limbs from his, smiling sadly down at you. 

There were tears shining on his cheeks and you blinked in surprise, reaching up a trembling hand to touch one of the glistening trails below his eyes. 

"San... It's okay." You whispered incredulously, touched and horrified that he felt so bad for something he hadn't even done. And then he was shaking his head, withdrawing away from you. 

"It isn't okay! I can't believe he would do that to you after I told him-" San paused, mouth pressing into a tight line as he stared upwards to the ceiling, his cheeks losing some of their colour. 

"Told him what?" You prodded, lifting an eyebrow. 

You heard him sigh, although it was more of a hiss through his teeth. 

"It doesn't matter Y/n, I just can't believe he did this to you, or to me." He murmured the last part below his breath, just low enough that you might not have heard it if you were just a step further from him. 

Non the less you opted to ignore it for now, your curiosity about the bright box perched on the edge of the counter between you too strong to continue ignoring. 

"What is this?" You pointed at it before reaching for it, surprised at the heaviness of it. San watched you, his eyes teetering between two confusing emotions. 

"Nothing." He muttered, leaning across the counter to grab it from you. You frowned and darted out of his reach, clinging the box to your chest. 

It was a childish move but you needed a good distraction, even if it was just over a dumb box. 

"Y/n." San's voice vibrated with a warning as he followed after you, ignoring the beaming smile quirking your lips as you continued to evade him. 

It only egged you on more that he was so concerned about it. 

"You brought it here for me, didn't you? Why can't I see!" You exclaimed from across the other side of your bed, realising too late that you'd trapped yourself in the one room in your apartment that had only one exit, which San was currently leant in smugly. 

"Who says I brought it here for you!" He exclaimed indignantly, half heartedly glaring at you as he shook his head. "Maybe I just happened to be carrying it when I got you flowers." 

You lifted a sceptical eyebrow his way. 

"Sure San." He shrugged at your response, shifting himself into a more comfortable leaning position. 

"You can open it if you want." 

"Then why the hell did you chase me around the apartment for it." You groaned aloud, throwing your head back in frustration. 

For a brief moment your eyes caught on the shirt that you'd earlier thrown from below your covers and you were given a harsh reminder of why San was here in the first place, bringing you flowers and presents. 

The energy and joy seeped from you like water and you slumped down the wall onto the floor, letting out a tired sigh. 

Having San here alleviated a lot of the pain and hurt in your chest but that was bittersweet - the moment he left you were positive you'd be hit like a train by its return. 

Sensing the change in your attitude he pushed off of the doorway and came to you, sitting himself down beside you, his knee bumping lightly against yours. 

"Open it." He urged softly, holding your gaze for a few moments. Long enough for you to see something there that confused you almost more than anything else today, including seeing your boyfriend kissing another girl. 

You tore your eyes away from him, trying not to dwell on it and focusing instead on finding a way into the box in your hands. After a few moments of struggling San slipped his hands around yours and ripped a section of the bright paper from the top, revealing the edge of the lid. 

You murmured a thanks and methodically ripped away the rest of the paper until the lid was free to be lifted from the body of the box. 

A tiny gasp of relief left you as you peered curiously inside. 

Your laptop lay inside, below a box of chocolates that you suspected were a little too expensive for San's budget. 

"You found it?" You edged it out, carefully placing the chocolates aside after a brief acknowledgement to peer at the device in your hands that you'd thought was lost. 

San cleared his throat, lifting his hand to rub the back of his neck. 

"Actually it was broken. Which is a long story actually but Wooyoung... wasn't going to get it fixed so I took it in. I'm sorry it took so long, I know you've been looking for it." He spoke softly, like he was afraid of your reaction and your heart trembled a little. 

Despite it being a pretty insignificant part of his explanation you couldn't brush his comment away about Wooyoung not intending to have it fixed. 

It had been missing for almost two months... 

"San." You slowly dropped the laptop onto the floor and stood up, backing away from him. He looked paler now, withdrawn and tensed as he watched you step away from him. 

It suddenly a lot more sense now. Why he'd been crying, why he was clearly blaming himself despite having not been the one to cheat on you. 

"How long was he cheating on me?" You choked out, hands fumbling around you for some purchase, something to hold as your knees buckled below you. "San did you know?" 

You could barely see him through the blur of tears as he moved to crouch in front of you, his smooth hands grasping the side of your face as your breathing became erratic. 

"I didn't know, Y/n. I swear to you, I only found out yesterday." And still he hadn't told you before you'd turned up to find it out yourself. But you didn't need to say that to him, you could feel the regret in his voice, in the way he was cupping your face. 

"But I realised this morning that that was how your laptop had been broken yes. During his little stunt with her, in our apartment." There was a barely disguised disgust in his voice and enough venom to poison a snake you'd bet. He sounded nearly as angry as you felt. 

Nearly. 

And you thought, just for a moment, that that might be it to his story. That whatever you'd seen in his eyes before was just a figment of your imagination conjured up by the chaos of emotions seething inside of you.

You thought wrong. 

"When I figured it out I told him that he had to stop, that he had to tell you and try to fix things." You sniffled and tried not to jerk away from his when his thumbs swept at the tears on your face, too delicately to even really be felt but enough that he cleared your vision. 

"He told me he was going to stop, that he would make it right. He swore on my own life." Yeah, that sounded like something Wooyoung would say, although you were beginning to understand that there were likely a lot of things he would say to get away with his secrets. 

Jung Wooyoung was not the man you'd thought he was. 

San was a little too close now, his voice all around you, as inescapable as his eyes, which were shining with tears. 

"San, I-" 

"I know you don't understand it, why I'm so upset about it. He's my best friend right? He should matter to me more than his girlfriend does." You pursed your lips at that, nodding your head slightly in agreement. He frowned a little. "He figured it out a while ago I think, but he found out for sure this morning." 

Figured out what? And what did it have to do with you? 

"I really don't understand now." You admitted in a small voice, leaning away from him. You could see those emotions again, the ones that you couldn't quite understand but knew on a base level. 

Love. Hurt. 

But that didn't make sense. San didn't love you, couldn't. 

You were his best friend's girlfriend. Or had been anyway. 

But of course... if he did love you, the hurt chasing around in his dark eyes made a lot more sense. As did his sudden visit, his gifts and a lot of other things about his friendship with you. 

"I think you're starting to though." He murmured, watching as your expression changed to one of understanding. 

You wondered if he could see how it made you feel as clearly as you could see the panic blooming on his face. 

He was shifting back now, a slew of words that made no sense and were more or less just random syllable's thrown together came tumbling from his lips as he struggled to pull himself up onto his feet. 

"Stupid, stupid, stupid." You could hear only one word consistently escaping the muddle of sounds as you hurried to follow him, trying to beat him to the doorway into and out of your apartment. 

"San, it's okay!" You called when his hand closed around the handle of the doorway. He twisted just long enough to throw you a teary smile and a small shake of his head. 

"What's okay? That I fell in love with my best friend's girlfriend?" You swallowed thickly, freezing at hearing it said out loud. "Come on Y/n, just say it. It's not okay." 

He didn't give you the chance to say anything though, disappearing out of your apartment in a flurry of limbs, leaving a cold breeze wafting in through the open doorway.


	2. Chapter 2

He left you standing silently in the space between your kitchen and your front door, staring blankly at the door he'd left wide open behind him.   
  
Your heart, which had briefly had a respite from the pain of losing Wooyoung now had a fresh pain swamping it; losing San.   
  
Numbly you forced yourself a few steps forward, gripping the edge of the door with the intention to swing it closed and stop the flow of cold air that was rushing in through the open space.   
  
Instead you found yourself gripping tightly, desperately, to it as your knees weakened and the overwhelming realisation of what had just happened washed over you like a tidal wave.   
  
As tight as your grip was, it wasn’t enough to keep your body from sliding to the floor where you slumped in a heap of limbs, staring vacantly out through the doorway into the dark night.   
  
You knew very well that it would take you very little effort to swing the door closed, and that closing it would end the biting sensation of your skin freezing in the cold air and yet you couldn’t seem to force your hand to agree with your brain. It hung as limp as your mood in your lap, fingertips barely twitching even as the temperature continued to drop.   
  
You were being ridiculous, you also knew that.   
  
What did it matter if San had been harbouring secret feelings for you for however long? And yet it did matter, it mattered so much that your head span and your thoughts twisted darkly with regret and confusion.   
  
You’d been with Wooyoung for a reason, even if you’d known about San’s feelings it wouldn’t have changed anything.   
  
Right?   
  
And if it did, what kind of person did that make you?   
  
If it did, then how could you be mad at Wooyoung for cheating on you, if you’d have dropped him for his best friend.   
  
You shook your head violently, the first strong motion since San had walked, or rather ran, out and dragged yourself up onto your feet unsteadily.   
  
You were wasting time in wondering what you would have done if you had known, it didn’t matter because you hadn’t known and now it was too late.   
  
You nudged the door closed with a sigh and turned slowly, eyes seeking out your phone. You couldn’t even remember the last time you’d seen it although it had to have been before San showed up.   
  
As your eyes swept the room in search of it they caught on the sad crushed flowers that San had brought with him for you, laying desolately in the centre of the kitchen island.   
  
He’d known your favourite flower, although you couldn’t remember ever telling him.   
  
As if on cue, the familiar sound of your ringtone cut through the silent apartment with shrill clarity and the space behind the flowers lit up; your phone.   
  
You reached for it, barely taking note of the caller ID before swiping answer and lifting it to your ear.   
  
There were only two people that were likely to be calling you right now.   
  
“You answered.” The surprise lacing his voice would have been something you found endearing just a day ago. Now it made you sick to your stomach.   
  
“What do you want Wooyoung.” He was stunned into silence by the tone of your voice for a few blissful and equally painful moments and then he spoke, timidly and unsurely.   
  
“Has San been to see you yet?”   
  
Your eyebrows lifted a little.   
  
_Yet?_ As if it were only a matter of time before his best friend showed up offer his girlfriend, ex girlfriend, comfort.  
  
“Is it any of your damn business?” You hissed, rubbing the space between your eyes stressfully, sitting down on the edge of your bed.   
  
Again he was silent for a few moments before he spoke again, as if he were picking his words carefully, something that he’d never done with you before and only added onto the mountainous pile of hurt aching in your chest.   
  
“I know you’re hurt but I wish you’d let me explain.” It was the second time he’d asked for a chance to explain and you felt no more lenient than you had earlier. If anything you wanted to hear his excuses less than before, now knowing San’s side of the story.   
  
“Hurt? I’m not hurt Wooyoung, I’m shattered.” You whispered into the phone, closing your eyes tightly over the fresh layer of tears brimming across your vision. You didn’t want to let him know how much he had hurt you, you didn’t want him to know anything about you anymore. But you also couldn’t stop yourself from blurting out the hurt that rested in your heart where part of you still hadn’t come to terms with the relationship being broken.   
  
“I went to see my boyfriend today, the man I loved and thought loved me back, and I found him sucking off some stranger’s face in plain sight.” You drew in a shuddering breath, hand curling so tightly around your phone that remotely you worried it would break.   
  
Everything that San had said to you was fresh in your mind and the painful realisation hit you once again that while you’d been happily assuming he loved you back, he’d been messing around with someone else entirely.   
  
All along you’d been a complete and utter blind fool and that was maybe the part that hurt the most.   
  
“Y/n…” He whispered, voice as gentle as it had always been and your name falling as silkily as it always had from his lips, lips that you'd giggled into a thousand times when kissing him. For just a moment you could nearly convince yourself that it hadn’t happened, that it was all a bad dream.  
  
In the next you were ripping the phone away from your ear and slamming your thumb onto the end call button, throwing the device as far from you as you could.   
  
It landed with a loud thump somewhere outside of your room as you threw yourself backwards, a whine of anguish tearing from you.   
  
Everything hurt. 

  
  
-=- 

  
The weather was cold enough outside that you could justify spending the next week curled up inside of your apartment, snacking on delivery food and whatever remained in your cupboards and fridge from your last shop.   
  
You took the week off of work and nobody bothered you, nobody was interested in being the one to pick up the shattered pieces of you.   
  
So you picked them up by yourself, cutting your fingers on the edges and stashing them together into a jumbled mess inside your heart, ready for your first day back at work.   
  
Greeting customers was harder than it used to be and the hours passed slower than they ever had now that you knew there was nobody to go home to at the end of your shift.   
  
You didn’t know how you got yourself through the first day or the ones that followed, fighting back a constant taste of bitterness in your mouth and painting a fake personality onto yourself until you could almost believe in the vibrant smile that you flashed each new customer or the ‘I’m okay’s that you gave your coworkers when you caught their worried stares.   
  
At the end of every day though you were reminded with a painful squeeze in your chest of how alone you were now, of the gaping space in your life that Wooyoung had left.   
  
You barely thought about San or his confusing confession and even more confusing departure from your life. If you did think about it, it was fleeting and quickly pushed to the farthest depths of your mind lest it add on to the existing pain you were struggling to work through.   
  
So it took you by full forced shock when he stepped over the threshold of the cafe and slumped into the nearest unoccupied seat, exhaustion draping his thin figure like a blanket as you stood frozen in the middle of clearing a table just a few feet from him.   
  
You weren’t sure if it was the surprise of seeing him so suddenly or if it was the horror at the lack of self care hanging over your once close friend, that kept you rooted in place while one of your coworkers hurried to his side and asked in a hushed voice if she could get him anything.   
  
His hair was different than it had been last time you saw him, longer and although still a dark shade there was a light stripe of white in his fringe, which sat messily across his forehead as he tipped his head back to observe your anxious coworker.   
  
“No I just… Need a moment to rest. I’m sorry, I’ll be out of your way soon I promise.” He said quietly, eyes flickering guiltily towards the floor.   
  
It made your heart crunch painfully in your chest and your body twisted as your feet carried you as far away from where he sat as they could, arms trembling at your sides and throat so dry that breathing hurt.   
  
What was he doing here? You were positive that he didn’t know you worked here, it was a pure coincidence, because you’d shifted jobs since you’d last seen him.   
  
It had been months ago now, you were sure.   
  
Time passed both slow and fast.   
  
“Y/n, is everything okay? You look like you’re about to pass out.” Yunho, one of the baristas who more often than not was committing an act of clumsiness, paused on his way past you, a precarious stack of plates barely balanced in his arms.   
  
You swallowed and forced a smile, reaching out to carefully extract some of them from him, giving the pile a higher chance of reaching the kitchen without being smashed.   
  
“I’m fine, thankyou Yun, I just saw someone I didn’t think I’d be seeing again.” You murmured, earning a curious glance from the tall boy followed by an understanding whoosh of air as he glanced over in the direction of San, where your eyes had unconsciously flickered.   
  
“If you need me to give you an excuse not to be out here then the male bathroom needs a toilet paper refill.” He offered lightly, smiling a little at the grimace that twisted your lips.   
  
For a moment you were tempted to dismiss his idea as he hurried towards the kitchen doors, until you thought about the likelihood of San seeing you if you remained out on the floor clearing tables.   
  
With a sick feeling in your gut you carefully placed the plates you’d taken from Yunho onto the bench beside the kitchen door for him to pick up later and grabbed the caution sign that was used to keep customers out of the bathroom when staff had to refill things, shoving a couple of toilet paper rolls under your other arm.   
  
It wasn’t often that you found yourself in the male bathrooms, mostly because the store generally tried to keep the girls to handling the female bathrooms and the males to dealing with the male although on occasion it was left to the opposite gender to handle it.   
  
You dumped the sign unceremoniously in front of the doorway on your way through it, nearly dropping the rolls in your arm in the process.   
  
It was both a blessing and a curse that it was clean enough inside that you didn’t have to spare any time towards extra cleaning, beelining straight to the refill section where you carefully placed each roll in an attempt to prolong your time away from the exhausted eyes of San.   
  
When you were done you let out a heavy sigh, turning to lean against the wall, staring dejectedly across to the large mirror that lined the wall behind the sinks. The last time you’d seen San he hadn’t looked like that, he hadn’t been so gaunt and empty looking and despite the way he’d left, he certainly hadn’t looked so hopeless as he did out there.   
  
Part of you wanted to go out there and sit down with him, ask what had happened to him, while a larger part of you trembled at the very thought of facing him.   
  
What could you say to him in the face of the last conversation that the two of you had had? He’d basically owned up to having concealed feelings for his best friend’s girlfriend and you’d let him run out in shame when you could have run after him.   
  
It wasn’t all on you, you knew that. He should have stayed, discussed his confession, and instead he left you feeling more empty than you had before and with questions that you were now too scared to ask him given the opportunity.   
  
Why hadn’t he said something sooner?   
  
How long had he had feelings for you?   
  
Had he ever planned to _tell_ you about them?   
  
“Stop it.” You groaned softly to your reflection before rubbing your face vigorously in an attempt to dislodge the thoughts of Choi San from your mind. Even if you had the courage to stand before him and demand the answers to the many questions running after each other in your mind, you doubted he knew the right responses to half of them.   
  
It was better to forget that San existed.   
  
You inhaled deeply, closing your eyes tightly over your pale reaction, and exhaled even deeper. If you stayed in here long enough, he would be gone by the time you left and you’d be able to finally move on from Wooyoung and San, to erase their imprint on your life.   
  
It was a plan that _might_ have worked, if fate wasn’t determined to throw you a severe loophole.   
  
Footsteps echoed sluggishly from the doorway and you straightened, a frown creasing your forehead.  
  
“The bathrooms are closed, can’t you read th-” As you took half a step forward while craning your neck to better throw your warning, the intruding figure finally slid into your view, familiar warm eyes meeting yours in a look of shock that equaled or maybe even rivalled your own.   
  
“Y/n?” San choked out, his eyes widening ridiculously as he stumbled mid step, body reeling backwards as if he’d been shocked by actual electricity.   
  
You remained frozen, barely managing to keep yourself standing, relying heavily on the solid and immovable wall that you’d fallen back against first in confusion and then in dismay when you recognised the small figure before you.   
  
He looked ready to flee, lips trembling as he stared at you across the other side of the bathroom, eyes still as wide as saucers.  
  
You wished he would as your distress grew over the sight of him up close. He looked even worse under the harsh lights of the bathroom than he had slumped over the table in the cafe dining area and your heart tugged reluctantly at the twisted look of panic in his eyes.   
  
“San.” You forced his name to your lips along with one of the smiles you’d grown so used to faking, wondering if he was any better than your coworkers at seeing through it.   
  
His eyes narrowed and you realised with a jolt that of course he knew.   
  
He had been secretly harbouring feelings for you for at the very least a few weeks, maybe months, of course he knew when you were hiding something.   
  
As it stood, he might be the only person left who really knew anything at all about you. Jung Wooyoung was certainly out of the running as far as you were concerned, not that it was a competition.   
  
You didn’t have those kinds of feelings for San.

  
Right?   
  
  
  
  
  
  


**A/n ~** Ahhh thankyou so much for reading and enjoying this! To those of you who commented and privately contacted me asking for a part two - an extra thankyou! Without you I would have definitely just left the story as it was and instead I have been able to develop it into something much better! I appreciate you all so much hehe <3   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


(Bet you thought I was just going to leave you on a cliffhanger huh? ;) hehe, enjoy the rest of the chapter)   
  
  
  
  
“How are you?” You asked dumbly when you realised that your bluff was blown, swallowing heavily when he blinked slowly at you, clearly still caught between whether to run away or stay.   
  
_‘How are you?’ Oh sure Y/n, how is he? After confessing to his best friend’s girlfriend and then running away and realising she didn’t care enough to come after him, you wanna ask how he is? Even though he looks like he’s been through hell and back, you want to ask him. how. he. is?  
  
_Inwardly you mocked yourself whilst outwardly you couldn’t help grimacing down at your feet when his silence continued and made the air thick with tension.   
  
“Fine.” He finally said, realising that he’d waited too long to answer and that neither of you could move without some semblance of a response. You nodded wildly, casting your gaze around desperately for a way out of the current situation.   
  
His hands were twisting around each other in front of him and he was edging backwards, eyes cast down to his shuffling feet when a sudden desire to scream at him seized you and sent you lurching forwards with a ferocity that stunned you more than it did him as you rounded on him.   
  
“Fine? You look like roadkill and I’m not even sure how you’re actually standing on your feet right now.” You hissed at him, all of your built up confusion that he’d left you with over the last two months fuelling your intense emotions as he stared back at you with alarm.

  
“You’re one to talk.” He finally sighed out in response, clearly accepting himself to the fate of something comparable to a conversation with you. He gestured haltingly at you and your mounting irritation wavered somewhat.   
  
What did that mean?   
  
But did it matter? You were mad at him and you had every right to be.   
  
You eyed him vehemently, crossing your arms tightly over your chest, an action that he mirrored with a lot less urgency and force than you.   
  
“Whatever San, you’re the one who walked out on me. I don’t have to _care_ about you.” You pointed out heatedly, not bothering to beat around the bush, going straight to the point. How could you pretend that it hadn't happened the way he was clearly trying to. His forehead creased in a frown that contrasted heavily with the slight twitch of amusement that flickered across his mouth.   
  
“I didn’t ask you to care about me.”   
  
His words and the hint of that smile, now long gone, only made you angrier and you uncrossed your arms to ball your hands into fists at your side.   
  
You shouldn’t let him get to you like this, you knew that. Just moments ago he’d been like a small trapped animal, cowering away from your inevitable outburst and now he had the nerve to act like he wasn't still the same burnt out looking person that he had been since he'd walked into the cafe.   
  
“ _I didn’t ask you to care about me_.” You mocked childishly, the first reaction that came to your brain overpowering your desire to act like an adult. “I didn’t ask _you_ to admit your stupid feelings to me right after my damn breakup either, but you still did.”   
  
San stiffened visibly, eyes so narrow now that they were almost closed, his fingers curling around his own wrist as he opened and closed his mouth stupidly for a minute before finally speaking.   
  
“I shouldn’t have told you, you’re right. I’m sorry for that.” You balked at the genuine apology, nose flaring slightly as your mind struggled to catch up to how his response should make you feel and react.   
  
“You’re sorry?” You questioned slowly, watching him shift uncomfortably before you. The flighty look had returned to his eyes, chasing away the brief confidence he’d displayed before he spoke.   
  
“Mmm.” He nodded with a soft hum of confirmation.   
  
Something inside of you crumpled and in turn so did your legs, sending you dropping to the floor painfully.

Did he mean that?   
  
Did he regret his feelings for you so much?   
  
You hated that it suddenly mattered.  
  
“Y/n?” He knelt down slowly, one hand planting on the ground beside his foot to balance himself and the other hovering in the space between you, fingers trembling in the direction of your shoulder as if forcing himself to remain further from you.   
  
“I’m good.” You mumbled faintly, staring past his head at the pale expanse of plain wall behind him. You wanted to disappear, you wanted the irritating feelings dancing across the jagged surface of your barely patched together heart to disappear.   
  
You barely felt his hand finally come to rest lightly on your shoulder until he gave you a gentle squeeze, easing your faraway mind back to the present moment. You let out a tiny startled sound at his proximity when you refocused on him.   
  
“I’m good,” You repeated, ignoring the disbelieving lift of his brows as you shrugged his hand off and forced your numb legs under you, pushing yourself back up onto your feet and leaving him to slowly do the same and trail after you as you strode with faux confidence out of the bathroom.   
  
You paused only to snatch up the sign from the doorway before you continued with hurried steps away from him and to the kitchen doors.   
  
San was waiting against the wall when you came back out, running his fingers through his lengthy hair, eyes fixed hard on the reflective surface of the windows on the opposite side of the cafe.   
  
You watched him silently for a second, taking in his whole figure rather than just his taut expression. He was dressed as well as he ever was, black jeans tightly hugging his slender legs and a equally black shirt tucked loosely into his waistband, feet clad in the same pair of Doc Marten’s that he always wore.   
  
You were almost positive he’d been born with them on his feet, you and Wooyoung had used to tease him about it, although Wooyoung had more often than not worn his own pair.   
  
A tight feeling clenched your heart at the thought of Wooyoung and you twisted away from the sight of his best friend.   
  
How were you ever supposed to manage your breakup with Wooyoung and unpack the damage caused by him cheating on you when his handsome friend had confessed feelings to you that made you question the whole relationship you’d had.   
  
“Y/n,” San’s voice came surprisingly loud and clear, much closer than it should be and you turned sharply to find him standing behind you, hands tucked deep into his pockets, a calculating look dancing in the chocolate depths of his gaze. “When I said that I shouldn’t have told you, I didn’t mean that I regretted having those feelings for you.”   
  
He said it so simply, as if it were no big deal that he was once again bringing to attention that he had feelings for you, or had had feelings. You forced yourself to remain still in place as he drew in a breath to continue, removing his hands from his pockets to absentmindedly run through his hair again, like they had been earlier.   
  
“I wouldn’t change falling for you any faster than I would change you meeting Wooyoung first, if only because he brought you into my life rather than me bringing you into his.”   
  
_Falling for you._ Choi San was truly the only person charming enough to be able to slip those words so casually into a serious conversation, without even blinking an eyelid over it. Was he so comfortable with his feelings despite them being such a betrayal to his best friend?   
  
“I know it’s wrong, it’s so wrong, to have developed these feelings for you and I know it was the worst possible time for me to reveal them to you when I did, but that is the only part that I regret. That you found out in a time that couldn’t have been worse for you.”   
  
He stepped closer and you stopped breathing, watching him closely. He couldn't be serious, this had to all be some elaborate hoax by the two of them. A cruel prank that they'd divised between them whenever Wooyoung had taken it upon himself to start cheating on you.   
  
“I can’t change how I feel about you and I’m sorry if that makes you uncomfortable.” He didn’t look all _that_ sorry about it though, in fact he looked remarkably remote from the way he was affecting you by stepping so close, his chest nearly touching yours and his hands hovering around your waist.   
  
You wanted to want to push him away, to find a reason to want him not to be so close to you. You wanted to believe the small voice in the back of your head begging you to believe that this was truly some cruel prank on you.   
  
But you couldn’t.   
  
A section of your heart still ached for the times that Wooyoung had stood this close to you, smiling his sweet smile down at you and making your heart stutter this unevenly and it gnawed at you the closer that San got and the softer that his voice became.   
  
But you still couldn't believe that the beautiful boy standing uncertainly close to you had any ill intentions.   
  
You weren’t stupid - you knew exactly what was happening, the feelings that were writhing guiltily in the bottom of your stomach weren’t unfamiliar to you.   
  
Everything else however, was.   
  
He had been Wooyoung’s best friend, it went against every logical argument for you to want his hands to rest feather light on your waist or to be okay with the warm touch of his forehead against yours.   
  
To let him reach up to hesitantly touch the side of your face was letting Wooyoung inevitably back into your life because no matter how greatly he messed up you knew that San couldn’t leave him in the past the way that you needed.   
  
“San.” You half whispered, half choked, his name out, finding his eyes waiting understandingly for your rejection.   
  
You closed your eyes tightly against the sight, wishing that you hadn’t seen that expectation in his dark irises or felt the way his hands skimmed away from you, instantly respecting the words that he knew were coming.   
  
You wanted more than anything to not care about Wooyoung, to be okay with forgiving him for what he’d done.   
  
But you couldn’t do that, not even for the chance to nurture the feelings that you had for San or the future that they could grow into.   
  
“I’m sorry.” You begged with your voice for him to truly understand, though you knew he did. He understood and that’s why he wasn’t begging you to change your mind.   
  
“It’s okay.” He responded and you heard the pain shake his voice. “I know you can’t.”   
  
For a moment he lingered and you kept your eyes scrunched shut, not wanting to see his face.   
  
And then he was backing away, footsteps light and heavy at the same time, dragging him back painfully slow, as if begging you to call him back.   
  
You peeked through your lashes only when the sounds of him were faint and despite your best efforts to avoid seeing it, your gaze snagged on the heartbroken look in his eyes as he hovered by the doorway.   
  
_I’m sorry._ You wanted to say again as he finally, finally, turned away from you, curling his fingers around the handle and tugging it open, allowing in a strong breeze.   
  
But you didn’t.   
  
  
**A/n ~** Okayyy this really is the end of this part! I'm going to continue writing a part 3 and if you guys want it then I'll upload it as soon as it's finished! Feel free to drop me any comments with 'requests' or 'suggestions' on the direction you'd like the story to take from here. Be as wild as you want ;)  
  
Did you like this part?   
  
Thankyou again for all your support <3 I write only because I know there's at least someone out there who will read it and find enjoyment out of it. 

Please find me on Tumblr if you have any requests/want to chat with me or anything like that! It's YunhosFlower on there too ;) and Wattpad too if you ever want to find more of my works! <3


	3. Chapter 3

You began to lose track of time again. Everything simply became nothing and the hours of every day seemed to stretch only until you got home to your empty apartment where you slept, trying not to let your loud thoughts become loud enough to be actions.   
  
Because if they became actions you were positive you would find yourself on Wooyoung and San’s shared doorstep, begging to see the devastated boy that you’d sent running from you all those months ago.   
  
Your heart had felt heavy since the moment the door swung shut behind him, like a sponge that had soaked up far too much liquid and yet kept on taking in more and more. You were sure you would collapse under the weight at any moment.   
  
But to see San meant to accept seeing Wooyoung as well, to want San in your life was to allow Wooyoung back in and that simply wasn’t a choice that you could make. 

The last time you’d spoken to him was on the phone after San had confessed to you and thinking about that conversation only ever left you with more questions that couldn’t be answered.   
  
The way he had spoken to you hadn’t been the way that someone who had stopped loving you should talk to you. He had sounded defeated and careful, like he was treading on a line that only he could see.   
  
_I wish you’d let me explain._  
  
His words swam around in your mind endlessly, constantly tugging at your subconscious at the worst of moments in your daily life.   
  
You tried not to ponder on it, you really did. But you couldn’t help wondering what he’d wanted to explain.   
  
“You’re off with the fairies again.” Yunho hummed as he strode past you, barely slowing his pace as he reached out to flick your arm, withdrawing you from your pensive thoughts. You glanced around guiltily, hoping he was the only one to have noticed despite the fact you were standing idly in the centre of the crowded cafe.   
  
A few customers were too slow to avert their curious eyes though and you grimaced inwardly, hurrying after Yunho into the privacy of the kitchen where he attempted to open the dishwasher without it trapping his fingers against the wall.   
  
An attempt that ended in failure and a pained groan from Yunho, followed by a reluctant chuckle from you as you observed him shoving his injured finger between his pouting lips.   
  
“That’s not going to help the pain.” You reminded him as you moved to the fridge and searched around in it for something cold to offer him. Despite the near hundred times that Yunho had injured himself in the exact same way, there had been no investment in icepacks.   
  
Although you couldn’t exactly fault the workplace for being reluctant to encourage a solution to an issue that he shouldn’t even be having.   
  
Your gaze snagged on a coke can that had been shoved to the very back of the fridge, one that you were almost positive had been in there for months. You grabbed it and turned back to face your towering colleague, grabbing at his wrist lightly in an effort to hint at him extracting his fingers from his mouth.   
  
He only stared at you, wide eyes flickering from your impatient gaze to your fingers around his wrist until you heaved a sigh and released him to wave the can around in front of his bewildered expression.   
  
“I’m trying to help you, you idiot.” You sighed again and his dark eyes lit up with belated understanding, his lips quirking upwards bashfully as he hastily swiped his fingers against his shirt to dry them before stretching them out towards you.   
  
You resisted the urge to roll your eyes, grabbing his wrist against to help guide his hand to the can where you, with little delicacy, wrapped his already swollen fingers around the cool exterior.   
  
He let out a tiny hiss of surprise at the change of temperature followed by a smaller one of relief that made you smile despite your irritation with him.   
  
“Thanks.” He looked at you, finally taking control of his hand and tightening his grip around the can, pulling it fully from your own hand.   
  
“Don’t mention it,” You hummed back, turning to close the fridge door. When you swung back around to face him, he was staring sullenly at the dishwasher door. You could almost _see_ his brain working to understand how he injured himself the same way every single time he tried to open it.   
  
“Maybe if we put something on that part of the wall.” He mused quietly to himself, seeming to forget entirely that you were still in the room. You glanced at the wall, silently lifting an eyebrow.   
  
No amount of padding on the wall was going to change the way the heavy door would crunch his slender fingers against any surface it caught them between.   
  
“Maybe you should just let one of us open it for you from now on.” You suggested lightly, reaching out to pat his elbow in what you hoped was a comforting gesture. It was the easiest limb for you to reach but it felt odd to be patting his elbow rather than his shoulder and you very quickly found yourself withdrawing your hand, awkwardly looking away from his slightly amused glance at you.   
  
“That’s not always ideal, but I’ll try to do that as often as I can until I figure out a better way.” He agreed reluctantly after a few moments, rubbing the back of his neck with his uninjured hand. You just nodded silently, praying desperately for him to fill the oncoming silence with his usual chatter about random things.   
  
You could already feel your thoughts dancing sporadically towards becoming conscious thoughts about San and Wooyoung and you desperately needed to avoid that.   
  
You wondered if you’d ever be able to allow yourself moments of silence and quiet again, or if for the rest of your life Choi San and Jung Wooyoung would invade those and rip them away from you with questions that couldn’t be answered.   
  
“Y/n, is everything okay?” Once again Yunho’s voice dragged you out of your thoughts and you looked at him slowly, contemplating whether you could get away with lying through your teeth to him.   
  
He may be clumsy and incapable of many simple tasks within the cafe, but Jeong Yunho was by no means unintelligent and anything but careless, his dark eyes glittering with concern for you as you stood silently in front of him.   
  
“Honestly?” You asked, waiting for him to nod his head before continuing. “No. Everything is not okay, but I don’t have the faintest clue how to go about making it okay.”   
  
Sympathy welled in his eyes and he carefully placed the can down on the bench space behind him, his arms spreading outwards, inviting you into a hug that you hadn’t known you’d needed so badly until you were drowning in it.   
  
For the first time in a long time now, you allowed yourself to be held and to sink into the comfort rather than flee from the very idea of it.   
  
Unbidden, tears formed in your closed eyes and slid rapidly down your cheeks, being soaked up almost instantly into the cotton of Yunho’s shirt.   
  
His hands rubbed at your back in small circles, his chin coming to rest lightly on the top of your head.   
  
It registered very dimly somewhere in your mind that you were in your workplace, you were both on shift and there were likely plenty of things needing to be done out on the floor. But you didn’t care right now.   
  
“I don’t think you’re ready to tell me about it, whatever happened that’s been dragging you further and further downwards for the last few months but I can help distract you from it.” He murmured after some time, earning a confused sniffle from you that was mostly lost to the material of his shirt.   
  
You weren’t entirely sure what he could do that would be a big enough distraction to stop you going insane or to help you forget San’s confession and Wooyoung’s betrayal entirely, but you were definitely on board with letting him try his best.   
  
So you forced yourself to step back from his grip, tilting your head back and up to watch him while he spoke his idea aloud.   
  
“I have a few friends that I hang out with every weekend,” He began, talking so slowly that you were almost sure he was about to stop talking altogether and retract his offer. He already looked quite uneasy, hands wringing in front of him now that they weren’t resting on your back. “They’re quite… loud. You could join us, but you’d be the only girl and I can’t vouch for how they’d act with you. But it might be a distraction until we can figure out something better.”   


The last few words came out of his mouth with such speed that you nearly stepped back in surprise, mind slowly processing his offer.   
  
More boys and the problems that could arise out of friendships with them were really the last thing that you needed right now. But…   
  
_San’s dimpled smile flashed at you from across the room followed by a cheeky wink. Wooyoung’s smug chuckle from beside you, delivered directly into your ear.  
  
_ You shook your head violently, hoping the physical action would help displace the memory hugging your mind unpleasantly.   
  
Anything to stop thinking about them.   
  
“Okay, let’s do it.”   


  
  
-=+=-   


You hadn’t really thought it through, accepting Yunho’s invitation. You could see it in the nervous way he wrung his hands in front of him as you both waited out the front of his place, waiting for his friends to arrive. 

You could tell he was regretting suggesting the idea by the not so subtle way he was throwing you anxious glances. 

Yunho was a good person, you knew that without a single doubt in your heart. And that was why you had accepted his offer. 

But you were beginning to realise that that didn’t mean his friends were good people. 

What had you got yourself into? 

“That’s them.” Yunho said quietly to you, his eyes fixed on a point down the street on an approaching vehicle. You watched it curiously, trying to find something, anything, about it that could explain the nervous bouncing of Yunho’s feet beside you. 

But it was just a car and even if you’d spent an hour watching it drive at the speed limit towards you, there would be no way to judge the people inside of it.   
  
From the corner of your eyes you could see Yunho growing dramatically more agitated and it was barely a surprise to you when he whipped towards you and grabbed onto your wrist with a little too much pressure.   
  
“Y/n are you sure about this?” His dark eyes bore into yours seriously, his teeth biting anxiously into his lip. “I really don’t know what they’re going to be like around you. I can’t promise this is going to help you, it could make things worse.”   
  
Your heart thudded apprehensively in your chest at his warning tone and you returned his stare uneasily.   
  
Part of you wanted to heed the warning and turn on your heels and run while you still had time, but a bigger part of you kept your feet planted solidly in place, your chin lifting somewhat at your friend.   
  
“It really can’t make things worse Yun.” His eyebrows creased in response to you but he dipped his head in understanding, letting your wrist go carefully, already turning to continue watching his friend’s approaching car.   
  
Moments after the words had left your lips the silver car pulled up a metre away from you both. From here you could barely see inside through the darkened windows and your already strained nerves jittered around like fragile glass in a hamster wheel.   
  
And then the doors were opening and three figures were stepping out, each lifting a hand in greeting to Yunho who in turn lifted his own, throwing you the quickest of cautious looks.   
  
“Be careful with Seonghwa.” He said so fast that you nearly missed it, turning to face his friend’s once again as they approached slowly, each throwing you a curious look that told you he hadn’t warned them about you at all.   
  
“Yunho.” The tallest of the three, with bright red hair and mischievous eyes, moved to stand beside Yunho, slapping his back in a friendly manner whilst his eyes remained trained on you. You realised with a small start that he was almost the exact same height as Yunho, maybe only just shorter.   
  
“Hey Mingi.” Yunho smiled at him easily, almost seeming to transform in front of your eyes. The nerves and reserved look had seeped from his gaze and his foot no longer nervously tapped a beat into the pavement below him.   
  
“Who is she?” The shorter of the three, hair a brown blonde, asked bluntly, peering at you with an expression bordering on irritation. The one beside him let out a small chuckle of amusement, touching his elbow lightly as if reminding him to reel his emotions in.   
  
“Right.” Yunho blinked awkwardly, looking over at you with a half smile, both encouraging you and unnerving you. You tilted your head to observe the boy with dark hair and dangerous eyes between the taller and the shorter of his friends.   
  
He flashed you a coy smile, an eyebrow lifting at you.   
  
“This is Y/n.” Yunho interrupted his own blundering silence to introduce you, reaching out to tug you closer to his side and sweeping out his free arm towards each of the boys in turn as he named them for you.   
  
“Mingi.” The red haired, taller one nodded at you, grinning wolfishly.   
  
“Yeosang.” The brown haired boy barely acknowledged the introduction save for a roll of his eyes, his arms crossing tightly over his chest.   
  
“Seonghwa.” The dark haired boy with the slanted eyes. He didn’t smile at you this time, he barely did anything more than stare curiously and you weren’t sure whether to feel more secure that he seemed less dangerous now than he had moments ago or whether to feel insecure about the way his gaze was raking over you.   
  
“She joining us?” Mingi asked eagerly, barely hiding his excitement as he looked between you and his friend expectantly. Yunho paused for a moment, glancing at you as if waiting for you to indicate you weren’t on board anymore.   
  
But so far, you couldn’t see a lot of reasons to turn down the opportunity for new friendships. Yeosang clearly didn’t like you, but you could work on that.   
  
Mingi seemed like a bundle of energy and fun, you could already tell you would get on well with him and Seonghwa.. he intimidated you, if you were going to be honest. But he also intrigued you.   
  
“Yeah.” You answered for him, smiling at the three of them. Only one was returned, but that was okay.   
  
“Cool.” Mingi grinned, rubbing his hands together. “I’m Mingi!”   
  
Yeosang sighed heavily into his hands and Seonghwa’s carefully blank expression dropped away to reveal one of amusement, his arm coming up to pat Mingi’s shoulder gently while Yunho snickered.   
  
“She knows, idiot.”   
  
Mingi’s cheeks reddened but his smile didn’t falter as he looked over at you, gauging your reaction.   
  
You smiled in return, a sense of relief washing over you. When you glanced at Yunho, you could see the same relief in the loosening of his muscles as his friends accepted you into their stride.   
  
And just like that, all thoughts of San and Wooyoung faded from your life. 

  
  
-=+=- 

  
  
You would have liked it if it had worked out that way.   
  
If the days spent at work and the nights spent with Yunho and his friends were enough to completely and utterly eradicate the lingering thoughts of San from your mind.   
  
It was no longer a gnawing need, but your heart stubbornly clutched to the thoughts of him like you would drown otherwise.   
  
“What are you thinking about?” Yeosang poked you harshly in the shoulder, lifting an eyebrow curiously when you glared at him and rubbed at the spot. He was stronger than he thought he was yet no matter how often you told him that, he still managed to use too much force on supposedly friendly gestures.   
  
“Nothing.” You muttered in response, leaning forward to snatch a chip from the bowl gripped between his free hand. He frowned at your response but left the bowl at a reachable distance while he leaned back against the sofa.   
  
Somewhere to the right you could hear Yunho and Mingi’s frustrated grunts as they attempted to best one another in a friendly wrestling match. You were pretty sure it was the fifth one of the day and maybe the thirtieth of the entire week so far.   
  
“Where do they get their energy from?” You groaned, crunching absently on your chip. You could still feel Yeosang’s curious gaze on you and you prayed that, for the first time, he would just simply continue on and ignore your sullen mood.   
  
It was only a month ago that you’d met them, but very quickly Yunho’s three friends had become like brothers to you. Yeosang had taken the longest to warm to you but it had eventually happened.   
  
“From sleeping all day.” He mused dryly, his eyes flickering briefly to the direction the sounds were coming from. You followed his gaze to find Seonghwa leant against the wall, his piercing gaze fixed on his two taller friends with exasperation.   
  
The sight nearly cracked through your bad mood, the corners of your lips twitching upwards in a half smile. You could still remember Yunho warning you to watch out for Seonghwa, a warning that had turned out to be useless.   
  
Despite the first impression you’d gotten from him, Seonghwa had almost instantly seemed to work out that the relationship between the two of you was and would remain platonic and his dangerously flirtatious stare had warmed into a friendly one of affection and wisdom.   
  
The more you’d gotten to know him the more and more he had shone to you as the carer of the boys, he watched them like a hawk at all times and was the first to step forward and offer assistance if it were needed.   
  
“We don’t sleep all day.” Mingi protested, panting heavily as he paused his scrabbling with Yunho, dark eyes staring petulantly over at the three of you while Yunho made muffled sounds of agreement from below him.   
  
Yeosang and Seonghwa let out synchronised snorts followed by a shared look of amusement.   
  
“What time did you get up today Mingi?” Seonghwa hummed, smirking when Mingi’s ears reddened and he shoved off of Yunho with a pout.   
  
“Don’t know, doesn’t matter! Yunho sleeps in too!” He whined, throwing a guilty look at Yunho’s incredulous expression.   
  
“I have work!” He muttered in dissent, rubbing the back of his neck. You finally felt a smile crack your face and you found yourself shaking your head in amusement.   
  
“Whatever.” Mingi spluttered, his pout growing as he looked away from his friends. The tall boy looked smaller in that moment than you’d ever seen him and in a moment of compassion you stood and moved yourself to sit on the floor beside him, reaching out to tie the laces of his shoes, that must have come undone during his tussle with Yunho.   
  
He cast you a grateful look that you acknowledged with a subtle dip of your head.   
  
“Now that we’re done bullying the giant twins,” Yeosang piped up in a drawl, cocking his head to the side as he observed you helping Mingi. “I think we should talk about Y/n.”   
  
A knot of apprehension twisted in your gut as you threw him an irked glare that he returned evenly with a slightly raised eyebrow.   
  
“What about her?” Yunho asked once he’d swallowed the mouthful of water he was tipping from his, or rather _your,_ drink bottle into his mouth. You frowned and grabbed the bottle out of his reach only to have Mingi swipe it from your hands.   
  
“Yeah, what about her?” You quipped, now avoiding Yeosang’s stare.   
  
Seonghwa had shifted closer, his dark watchful eyes on you now, his mouth twisted into an expression that was too hard to decipher while a thousand reasons to excuse your gloomy mood the last few days ran through your mind.   
  
Excuses that might have worked on just Mingi, possibly Yunho, but certainly wouldn’t pass on Yeosang and Seonghwa.   
  
Yeosang rolled his eyes and shifted forward to the edge of the sofa, pointing an accusatory finger your way when he spoke.   
  
“You’ve been in an ugly mood for the last week and you’ve dodged all of us asking you what’s wrong on seperate occasions, don’t think none of us noticed.” To your surprise Yunho nodded his head in agreement along with Mingi and Seonghwa.   
  
“I don’t have to tell you guys every time something is wrong with me.” You sighed.   
  
Yeosang let out a triumphant noise through his nose, which sounded a lot like a snort to you.   
  
“So you admit, something is wrong.” He crowed elatedly, earning a brief look of admonishment from Seonghwa. You pursed your lips and looked away, realising too late that you had in fact just outed yourself.   
  
The list of excuses narrowed with every word of defence you tried to use to fend the three of them off your back until you let out a exasperated cry and buried your head into your hands and they fell into an expectant silence.   
  
Yunho’s arm fell gently and yet heavily over your shoulder, pulling you against him as support while your mind roiled with the very thing you’d been trying to keep out.   
  
San.   
  
You still had a white hot lance of guilt dancing around your stomach over what you’d done to him and a desire to see him, to just know that he was okay, had begun to overwhelm you.   
  
But how were you supposed to explain to the four of them that there was some guy that you may or may not have feelings for who was your ex boyfriend’s best friend.   
  
An ex boyfriend that you still hadn’t gotten any real closure with.   
  
Yunho’s hand rubbed slow soothing circles on your back while they all waited patiently for you to get ahold of yourself.   
  
You drew in a deep breath and looked up, finding his gaze first, expectant and understanding.   
  
“So…”   
  
  
\---   
  
**A/N** \- This chapter felt quite messy and I rewrote it so many times to try and get it right but it still doesn't feel right to me. However I wanted to get something out for those that may be waiting. This was just meant to be more of a filler, sorry that there's not a lot of action! I needed the main character to move on somewhat, otherwise the storyline would have felt quite short to me.   
You'll see more San in the next chapter, promise! Thankyou so much for reading <3 


	4. Chapter 4

“When I asked if something was wrong, this is not what I was expecting.” Yeosang admitted into the heavy silence that had fallen since you’d explained everything to them.  
  
You held your knees closer to your chest, eyes looking anywhere but at the four men sitting around you, especially the one who still had an arm wrapped comfortingly around you. Yunho had known the story in part but this was the first time he had heard it all, in its entire ugly glory.  
  
His silence felt the heaviest to you, it was almost unbearable to a point that you found yourself leaning slightly out of his slackening grip.  
  
Was he disappointed in you?  
  
If he was, you couldn’t blame him.  
  
“I hate to be the one to ask this,” Seonghwa began suddenly, his slender hand rubbing at a spot on the knee of his jeans, eyes fixed on it intently as if that too would help erase it from his clothing. “But why are we only just now hearing this.”  
  
_Because it never dawned on me that you would all become important enough to me to know these things. Because I was scared of you all reacting the way Yunho is right now. Because I’ve never had people to lean on like this before.  
  
_“I don’t know.” You murmured, biting down hard on your lip as the lie slipped out with ease. You wanted to be done hiding things from them, but their underwhelming reaction to your confessions felt like a brick being slammed into your chest.  


“Bullshit.” Yunho said quietly, finally fully withdrawing his arm from you, turning his entire body away. You could tell by the tense way his shoulders were set that he was angry, but you couldn’t entirely figure out why.  
  
“Yun.” Mingi glanced at his best friend, eyes wide with surprise at whatever he saw in his expression, hidden from you by the direction he was facing now. But you saw the tight shake of Yunho’s head thrown at Mingi before the younger fell silent, whatever words he’d planned to say to his friend swallowed.  
  
“You don’t know?” Yeosang shifted forward, fixing you with an almost irritated look. “Y/n have we ever not been supportive of you? Why wouldn’t you have told us this before now?”  
  
You could feel your lip begin to tremble, your emotions beginning to overwhelm your mind.  
  
You’d wanted them to be supportive, to understand and help you understand what you were feeling and instead all they could focus on was that you hadn’t told them this before.  
  
As if they couldn’t figure out that this was one of the hardest things you’d ever had to tell anyone, let alone the first group of boys that you actually considered friends.  
  
But Yeosang wasn’t done lecturing, his normally mischievous eyes blazing now as he honed in on you.  
  
“I know that it’s tough for you, don’t think for a second that any of us don’t understand that. But do you even understand how it makes _us_ feel to hear you basically say that you came into this expecting us to be nothing more than just an easy and quick distraction.” He jabbed a long finger in your direction, lips curled downward now, displaying an expression of hurt that you’d never seen, or expected to see, on Kang Yeosang’s face. “If you cared for us at all you would have been straight up about that from the moment you decided that we were going to be more than that in your life.”  
  
He was right, you knew that.  
  
Now that he’d spoken their thoughts aloud, everyone but Yunho was looking at you dejectedly, and you could all but feel the same negative emotions radiating from Yunho’s backside.  
  
Truthfully, you hadn’t even considered that your story would elicit those kinds of feelings and thoughts within any of them. The moment that you’d met them, it had been clear to you that your assumptions and fears about them had been wrong.  
  
Never once in the moments since you’d met them had you considered them as distractions. They had simply become parts of your life that you relied on, cared about, loved.  
  
Yunho most of all, and yet it was he that must feel most hurt and blindsided by this all. He’d known you had your reasons for seeking out distractions, but you keeping the details from him must have taken a bigger tole on the bubbly boy than you’d ever realised.  
  
“That was never how I saw any of you.” You spoke as strongly as your voice allowed, looking between all three of them who would return your gaze. “Yes, when Yunho offered to introduce me to you all and perhaps be a distraction, that was all I expected.”  
  
Finally, at the sound of his name, Yunho shifted to watch you speak and though you didn’t turn to look at him, you could see the expression on his handsome face from the corner of your eye.  
  
You had never seen him look so pained and it felt like a knife being plunged through your chest.  
  
“But the moment I actually met all of you, I knew it wasn’t going to be like that. How could I meet any of you and expect you to be nothing more than a little distraction? You’re all like family to me.” You had lost 90% of control over your voice, struggling to keep your lips from quivering with every word and one by one each of their expressions softened.  
  
You turned to look directly at Yunho, taking him by surprise when you reached out to grab his loosely balled fists in your ridiculously smaller hands.  
  
“I didn’t use you to get to them and I didn’t use them to get by. I just simply never thought that I needed to make it clear how much I adore you all, because I thought you all knew.” You gave up trying to wall off your emotions, letting them spill messily down your cheeks in hot tears. Yunho’s dark eyes crinkled around the edges with worry and wordlessly he nodded his understanding and acceptance of your words.  
  
“Still Y/n, you could have told us about this sooner.” Mingi grumbled sulkily from Yunho’s other side. Everyone looked at him and he wilted under the attention, shrinking away until Yunho extracted a hand from yours to pat his best friend’s shoulder comfortingly.  
  
“As much as I hate to say it, Mingi’s right. The sooner you had of told us, the quicker we could have been helping you with it.” Seonghwa sighed, smiling at you to soften the blow of his words and you nodded slowly, indicating your agreement.  
  
“Now we’ve got the sappy stuff out of the way,” Yeosang clapped his hands together, a gleeful glint returning to his eyes as he stared around the room at his friends. “can we tease her about falling for her ex’s best friend?”  
  
Seonghwa rolled his eyes and Mingi let out a tiny guffaw of disbelief while you summoned the courage to throw a glare Yeosang’s way.  
  
It was half hearted though, filled more with your relief that things were slotting back into their normal place than your irritation with his words.  
  
“I am curious,” Yunho began slowly, drawing your attention back to him as he watched you. “San wouldn’t happen to be that messy guy with the white in his hair that you ran away from once in the cafe?”  
  
Your lips pursed and you contemplated lying and telling him that was somebody else.  
  
But you’d done enough lying lately, you were determined to turn that around, starting with the truth about San.  
  
“Yeah. That was San.” You admitted. Yunho grinned a little while Mingi burst into sudden laughter beside him.  
  
“Messy guy?” He chortled when he finally caught his breath, looking up to find everyone watching him and waiting for an explanation. Yunho rolled his eyes and hit him across the back of the head, lightly enough that it couldn’t have hurt but hard enough that it let out a solid thump sound.  
  
“You’re an idiot.” Seonghwa muttered, unable to hide the fond smile dancing on his lips.  
  
“So what are we going to do?” Yunho mused, leaning back on his elbows and staring contemplatively up at the ceiling as if it held the needed answers.  
  
You did the same, almost immediately sinking into your thoughts.  
  
There were a few options, the bigger of them being that you could either continue to ignore the unbearable feeling under your skin that made you constantly think about San and Wooyoung, or you could go to their shared apartment and confront one or both of them.  
  
You could also just wait for one of them to happen across your path again, although the likelihood of that ever happening seemed low.  
  
And inconvenient, what if it happened during a time that you had no control over, where you couldn’t even take the chance to unburden your thoughts and feelings.  
  
“Seonghwa and I could go and mess them up?” Yeosang offered idly after a few long minutes, or maybe even an hour, had passed.  
  
Nobody bothered responding to the ridiculous statement, save for Seonghwa’s icy glare at being included in the violent solution.  
  
It was a knock, or rather three in quick succession, that finally broke the pensive silence settled over the five of you.  
  
Everyone but Seonghwa looked up in surprise, four confused stares fixated on the door the sound had emitted from.  
  
“Did we order food?” Mingi asked uncertainly, turning to look around the room at everyone. You didn’t miss the hopeful glint in his eyes, and if you weren’t wracking your mind in an attempt to figure out who could be knocking on the door, you might have giggled at him.  
  
“No idiot.” Yeosang sighed, though his usual scorn was gone, reluctant puzzlement taking its place.  
  
Seonghwa suddenly stood, pale and shaky as he stepped towards the door.  
  
“So I didn’t think that today was going to turn out the way it did.” He turned, hand resting on the door handle, an uncomfortable look on his face. “I invited over a friend to join us.”  
  
Collectively all four of you tilted your heads at the older boy.  
  
Mingi was the first to speak the thought on all of your lips.  


“You have friends besides us?”  
  
Another knock came, this time more timid than the first three and a soft voice rang out through the wooden obstacle.  
  
“Seonghwa?”  
  
The mentioned male grimaced at Mingi, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
“We’ve known each other for years. He’s really into his music and he doesn’t get out to see people often. I just thought he would benefit from some time with _people_.” He explained.  
  
“Why are you waiting for our permission to let the poor guy in,” Yeosang sighed, relaxing back against the wall he’d propped himself against at some point during the lost period of time you’d all silently been thinking on solving your problem. “Maybe he can play us some tunes to help us think.”  
  
Yunho let out a breathy laugh, nodding in agreement.  
  
Seonghwa’s gaze turned to you, his dark eyes holding yours sincerely.  
  
“I can send him home, you trusted us with this problem and I know it was hard for you to do.” He said softly.  
  
You smiled at him, standing up and approaching him.  
  
A swell of appreciation encompassed you and you hugged him, earning a soft breath of surprise from the taller male.  
  
“Thankyou for the consideration Hwa, but let’s not leave your friend standing out there. Maybe he can help.”  
  
With one arm resting light around you, he half turned, pulling the door open to reveal his flustered friend on the other side.  
  
“Hey Joong.” You could hear the smile in your friend’s voice as he greeted the baffled boy, who was clutching a laptop tightly to his chest and shuffling nervously from one foot to the other as he peered around his friend into the room full of curious faces.  
  
Even Yeosang had straightened somewhat to peer out at the newcomer.  
  
“This is Hongjoong.” Seonghwa informed you all with an amused smile when his friend failed to introduce himself and the smaller figure shook his head slightly, as if reminding himself to speak and a small smile fluttered onto his lips.  
  
“Hi.” He lifted a small hand in greeting and instantly your heart warmed to him.  
  
He would fit in perfectly, like a missing piece that you’d all finally found.  
  
The boys took turns introducing themselves with warm smiles at Hongjoong until he turned to face you and Seonghwa, whose arm was still lightly around you.  
  
“I didn’t know you had a girlfriend.” Hongjoong muttered, his intelligent eyes darting between yourself and his taller friend, who let out a disbelieving chuckle as he dropped his arm from you.  
  
“Y/n? Mine? I couldn’t be that lucky.” He said, winking at you playfully. You rolled your eyes in response, ignoring the sounds of the other boys agreeing with him.  
  
You stuck your hand out to Hongjoong, smiling at him.  
  
“I’m y/n, it’s nice to meet you Hongjoong.”  


  
-=-   


Hongjoong blew out a heavy breath at his laptop, closing the lid with a sharp snapping sound.  
  
You glanced up at him from your position on the floor, where you’d been intently studying the travel path of an ant that was either drunk or severely brain damaged.  
  
“You okay?” You ventured to ask when his eyes closed and he flopped heavily back against the sofa.  
  
“Yeah, I just can’t get the beat down for this song.” He muttered, waving a dismissive hand in the air above his head.  
  
You grimaced, more to yourself than him his eyes were closed still anyway.  
  
“Maybe because you haven’t slept for like a week.” Yeosang droned from his corner of the room, looking up from his phone to glare at you both for interrupting the silence.  
  
Hongjoong waved his hand again, muttering something about 5 days that you suspected was meant to be an excuse for the lack of sleep he’d been getting.  
  
Yeosang wasn’t one to talk, though you refrained from pointing out to him that the dark circles below his eyes were tell-tale of his own lack of sleep.  
  
Even if you could get him to admit he hadn’t been sleeping, there was little chance that the quiet male would confide in you what was keeping him up, at least not until he was ready.  
  
Instead you returned your attention to the ant, chewing at your bottom lip.  
  
It had been days since you’d come out to your friends about your San sized problem and even with Hongjoong’s gentle wisdom and all their chaotic suggestions, you were none the closer to figuring out what you should do.  
  
It was slowly, but definitely, driving you very insane.  
  
Even the stupid little ant reminded you of San, in the way that it acted so irrationally and yet with such purpose. 

  
Without realising it, a heavy sigh was falling from your lips and you were slumping in place, earning the attention of your two friends.  
  
“I still think that you should just call him.” Yeosang spoke bluntly, as quick as ever at interpreting your wordless motions. Hongjoong threw him a quick glance, lips pursed with disapproval.  
  
His idea of handling your situation with San was meeting with him in person to discuss your thoughts, something that you had been quick to spurn on the basis of risking Wooyoung tagging along with him if he found out.  
  
Although Seonghwa had, in his soft voice, pointed out to you twice now that that was not necessarily a bad thing. You had things to sort through with your ex as well and talking to San without first finding closure with Wooyoung could be an unstable and rocky ground to stand on.  
  
Yunho had echoed that sentiment with a nod of his giant shaggy haired head and only Mingi had suggested vehemently that you completely avoid the both of them in hopes that your feelings would dissipate with more time.  
  
‘We can only distract you so much.’ Yeosang had told you in a surprisingly gentle voice, his dark eyes holding yours so seriously that you found yourself having to look away lest it begin to suffocate you.  
  
Thinking on it now, you felt the truth in his words more than ever.  
  
Whether you spoke to San over the phone, or in person, whether you spoke to Wooyoung first or after or never, their ability to keep you otherwise preoccupied was quickly waning.  
  
“Y/n?” Hongjoong’s voice, followed soon after by a soft touch on your shoulder drew you from your thoughts and back to the present. Yeosang was watching you with a carefully guarded expression that you were yet to crack, whereas Hongjoong’s was easily readable.  
  
He was opening his mouth to speak again when a cacophony of noise streamed in through the partially open door behind you and the three of you turned expectantly to watch as Yunho and Mingi burst through it, both glaring at each other and both trying to speak indignantly over the other.  
  
Though they were close, when they spent too long together this was often the end result and warily you half stood, with the intention to intervene when you caught sight of someone lingering in the doorway, observing the two of them as watchfully as you.  
  
He was handsome, as handsome as you thought any of your friends were, and young. His dark eyes flitted up to make contact with yours, surprise lightening them for a brief second before he offered a tentative smile that you promptly returned. 

‘Hi.’ He mouthed, lifting a hand at you and you nearly let out a laugh for the first time in days. Whoever he was, he looked as done with Mingi and Yunho’s argument as you felt and seemed as relieved as you felt when Hongjoong slapped his hands together loudly enough to stun the two into brief silence.  
  
“What the hell is the matter?” The older boy asked, or rather groaned, in irritation, looking between the two significantly taller males.  
  
They both blinked dumbfoundedly until Yunho found his voice again and shoved a finger in the direction of his friend.  
  
“He refuses to at least try and apply for a job at the cafe!” He exclaimed, sounding surprisingly upset over it. He threw Mingi a glare that was heartily returned alongside a scoff from Mingi.  
  
You blinked at them, momentarily forgetting their surprise guest.  
  
“Working at the cafe really isn’t that bad.” You told Mingi, a little hurt at the look of irritation that crossed his handsome face.  
  
He must have caught sight of the look on your face though because he shook his head, rushing to explain himself before Yunho could speak again.  
  
“It’s not that I think it’s bad!” He uttered in a defeated voice, crossing his big arms over his chest and throwing a glance over his shoulder at the watching figure, the first acknowledgement since the two of them walked in that he was there. “It’s just that I’m embarrassed to go in alone and ask about it, and Yunho won’t come with me!”  
  
You tried desperately to contain a sound of amusement in the back of your throat at the childish tone to the end of his explanation, failing miserably and earning an entertained glance from the boy behind the two of them.  
  
Before Mingi could misinterpret the sound you reached around Yunho to pat the crook of his arm, offering a genuine smile to him.  
  
“Mingi, I’d be more than happy to go with you.” A look of relief crossed his face and you felt some of the tension leave him below your hand before you dropped it back to your side.  
  
You could feel Yunho’s glare, now directed at you, as you stepped away from the two of them.  
  
“He should do it himself!” He argued, now the one to sound defeated. 

You eyed him, remembering the first day you’d met the tall, goofy boy.  
  
He had been nervously standing in the doorway into the kitchens, hands wringing in front of himself, eyes darting anxiously around the crowded floor and the few empty tables, covered in a mess of cutlery and dirty plates.  
  
Unfortunately for him, he had been directly in your way and it was the first of many incidents involving Jeong Yunho in which plates and cups had smashed on the floor at his feet, his dark eyes wide with guilt and shock.  
  
It had taken you many months to forgive him for putting both of you, especially shy you, at the centre of attention that day.  
  
But as he’d grown in confidence, so had his kindness and inevitably he had become to you the person that he was now.  
  
And then some.  
  
Affectionately you reached out to squeeze his loosely clenched fist.  
  
“Not everyone has nerves of steel like you.” You reminded him softly and his face softened somewhat, his dark eyes glazing as if he too were remembering the beginning for himself at the cafe.  
  
You wondered what he’d thought of you that day, with your hair thrown up messily because you’d been called in suddenly and your skin still splattered in hard to remove paint from the date you’d had with Wooyoung the night before.  
  
Pain squeezed at your heart.  
  
It had been one of the best dates you’d had with him and even though you had been called in to work, ruining your plans to repay him with your own thoughtfully planned date, you had still been floating on the happiness of it.  
  
And now it was tainted by the ending of your relationship, by your confusion over his choices and his handling of it all.  
  
“Okay.” He lamented, glancing at Mingi, the hint of an apology in his eyes when the boy who had lingered behind them in silence so far cleared his throat.  
  
Everyone but you jumped, twisting to look as he stepped out from behind the two of them.  
  
“Oh, right.” Mingi muttered, glancing apologetically first at his mysterious guest then at Yunho, who was wearing an equally guilty expression on his face. “This is Jongho!”  
  
Hongjoong tilted his head to the side, peering hard at Jongho, who had begun to look like he wished he hadn’t accompanied the arguing giants home.  
  
“Jongho? As in Choi Jongho?” Hongjoong asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence as he stepped forward, eyes bright. You lifted an eyebrow at Yeosang over his shoulder, who shrugged, whether out of disinterest or confusion you couldn’t tell.  
  
Yunho snorted.  
  
“Should have known you would already know about him.” He huffed, crossing his arms with intimidation levels similar to a child throwing a tantrum.  
  
Hongjoong completely ignored him, still focused intently on Jongho, who seemed to only grow in discomfort the more attention that landed on his stocky shoulders and he nodded slowly in response to Hongjoong’s query.  
  
“You sing at the cafe on weekends.” This one wasn’t a question but rather a statement, meaning that Jongho didn’t have to nod, though he did anyway.  
  
You began to tune out as the excitement took over Joong and he crossed the room, hands already waving animatedly as he spoke in a rushed tone to the younger boy. You pitied him for a very brief moment before Mingi was catching your eye and crossing the room to stand with you.  
  
“Will you really come with me to the cafe?” He asked lowly when he was beside you. You glanced at him and nodded, watching a bit more of the tension slip from his posture. “Can we go now?”  
  
You blinked in surprise at him.  
  
You’d known for a while that Mingi had wanted to find a job, and you had no doubt that the cafe would happily hire him, especially if both you and Yunho put in a good word for the bright boy, but you had expected some of his usual laziness in actually getting the ball rolling.  
  
“I just.. want to do better.” He mumbled, noticing the curiosity and confinement in your gaze.  
  
“Okay, just let me grab my jacket.” You told him, smiling before heading to Yeosang’s corner of the room, where your jacket let in a crumpled mess below not only his but Hongjoong’s too. You reached for it, fingers only just wrapping around the stiff material when a pale hand darted out to grab your wrist.  
  
You started in surprise, following the hand back to a surprisingly tense looking Yeosang.  
  
“Yeo?” You lifted an eyebrow, tugging lightly against his grip until he released it, an apologetic grunt falling from his lips. “What is it?”  
  
“It’s nothing.” He shook his head, looking and sounding more like he was trying to convince himself rather than you, of his words. You let out a deep breath, tugging your jacket around your shoulders as slowly as you could, giving him a few more seconds to decide whether to let out the words dancing on his tightly clamped lips.  
  
“Okay, it’s just,” He let out an irritated sigh, shaking his head. “I know you haven’t decided on how to handle your feelings for San, but at this point, doing anything is better than letting yourself stew in it any longer.”  
  
He rubbed the back of his neck, looking away from your silently stunned response.  
  
“Just talk to him Y/n. Whether you go to his apartment, call him or write him a damn letter, you need to get it out. I know that there are things in there,” He reached out in a rare show of affection to tap your forehead. “that you can’t tell even us, things that are probably ripping you apart inside and I hate to be the one to say it, truly, but it is hurting us to see you dying a little more inside every day, knowing what the problem is generally speaking but being unable to do anything for you.” 

He seemed drained by his own outburst, slumping tiredly back against the wall with a wary look at you, almost as if begging you not to say anything back. You pursed your lips, debating over whether or not to oblige.  
  
The choice was really made for you when Mingi called out your name from the doorway, his handstwisting anxiously as he made eye contact with you across the room filled with your friends.  
  
You looked at Yeosang again and nodded at him, hoping that the simple movement was enough for him to understand that _you_ understood, and then you were hurrying back across the room, following after Mingi to his car outside. 

  
  
-=- 

  
“So I should just go up there and give them this?” Mingi asked for the umpteenth time, staring so hard at the paper in his hand that you were surprised it didn’t burst into flames.  
  
“Yes Min, I’ll be just a few steps away and if they have any questions that you don’t know how to answer, you can just call me over.” You told him in a gentle voice, eyes scanning the familiar interior of the cafe.  
  
You knew what, or rather who, you were looking for.  
  
But he wouldn’t be here, in fact this was definitely the last place that Choi San would come after the way you’d treated him last time.  
  
That tight feeling in your chest tugged at the painful memory and you clenched your jaw.  


You had never wished so desperately for time travel, if only to tell yourself how much more pain it would cause you to let San walk out of that door.  
  
Mingi shifted from one foot to the other beside you, claiming your attention again.  
  
“Mingi, what’s the worst that can happen? They send you away?” Which they wouldn’t, you knew for a fact that Yunho had caved so significantly under your words to him earlier that he’d called the cafe up telling them to expect his tall friend.  
  
You knew it because he had then sent you a panicked text explaining that you couldn’t let Mingi chicken out when he’d already told them that he was coming.  
  
Mingi grimaced at you, completely unaware of the eyes of the waiting staff on him, patiently expecting him to approach.  
  
“You’re not going to get anywhere by being so terrified of everything.” You told him, adopting a sterner approach now and turning him by his shoulders in the right direction. “Be the fearless Mingi that I know you are.”  
  
He stared wordlessly at you before turning swiftly on his heels and stalking with surprising confidence to where the staff stood waiting.  
  
You suspected that he was going for a fake it till you make it strategy, but it didn’t matter, he was welcomed with warm smiles and the longer he stood speaking to them, the more you could see the tension leave his shoulders.  
  
You turned when you heard the door to the cafe opening, eyes lifting to assess the newcomer, and your heart froze.  
  
“Shit.” You heard him mutter when his eyes met yours from across the room.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**A/n ~** Ah hello hello!! This might get long so please feel free to not read.   
  
Firstly a HUGE thankyou to those supporting my writing and leaving me comments! It means everything to me.   
  
Secondly, thank you so incredibly much for your patience. It has been so hard for me to continue writing this because after I got partway through this chapter i really started to doubt my ability to continue the story. I thought i was ruining it and I couldnt seem to figure out where it should go from here ;-; i also really wanted to have all of the members involved in this story, even if only by mention which is why ive kind of messily crammed in Hongjoong and Jongho but i hope that you still enjoy seeing them show up!!! I'm hoping in the next chapter/s to evolve their plot involvement a bit more.   
  
I know that in fact not a lot really happens in this chapter, but as I write this I am already beginning the next and I can tell you now that it will be a whole lot more action packed than this one was! I just lost focus and direction and needed to give some filler.   
  
And that brings me to a request for those who are still waiting and checking on this story - please if you have any ideas/requests on the direction from here do comment and let me know! I cannot promise you that I'll definitely incoporate it but I will certainly try!!! It really helps me when i'm writing to have ideas and directions to take it.   
  
I could type forever here haha, I always get carried away T-T So please feel free to comment, even if not with ideas but just to chat - I always love chatting to readers ;3   
  
and don't forget that I have a Wattpad and Tumblr if you want to check for stories I might not have put on here. I generally stick to much shorter ones on those :) (They're both the same handle : YunhosFlower) I also have better opportunity to DM and chat to you on those platforms.   
  
Okay okay I swear I am done now. And I promise that I will continue to work hard and I hope to have my next chapter out soon!!! Thankyou endlessly for your support my beautifuls! ♡   
  
  
P.s I didn't edit this chapter much so I hope it doesnt have too many mistakes   
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

  
You weren’t sure which one of you turned away first, or if you turned at the exact same time.   
  
Panic set in and blindly you stumbled forward, in the vague direction of Mingi.   
  
Hands caught your outstretched wrists and dimly you heard his familiar deep voice, although you couldn’t seem to figure out what words he was saying.   
  
Questions, you knew he was asking you questions, but they were drowned out by the sound of blood roaring in your ears.   
  
Despite closing your eyes tightly you could still clearly see him, standing right in front of you like he had been standing in the doorway to the cafe, his dark hair longer than you’d ever seen it and his hands shoved casually into his pockets like walking into that particular cafe was no big deal.  
  
You tried to tell yourself it couldn’t be him.   
  
It was just somebody who looked like him.   
  
But nobody could look like him the way he did.   
  
“Y/n?” Mingi’s voice broke through and wildly you looked at him, finally _seeing_ him. And the people surrounding the two of you, all wearing the same look of concern and confusion.   
  
“Mingi, get me out of here.” You whispered to him, hating the way his face scrunched with further worry.   
  
“Okay. Okay.” He repeated the word a few times, nodding, more to himself than to you, his arm sliding around you protectively. “Alright, let’s go.”   
  
He threw a nod at your colleagues and somewhere dimly in the back of your mind you realised that because of you, he was losing the opportunity to make a good first impression on them.   
  
“Sorry.” You whispered as he turned you both around, heading for the exit.   
  
You had never been so grateful that there were two seperate doors to the cafe, one for entering and one for leaving.   
  
Less chance of running into him again.   
  
Nausea rolled in your stomach and you dug your nails into your palm, clenching your jaw.   
  
You could see the car through the glass doors, it wasn’t many steps away.   
  
You could also feel Mingi’s distressed gaze on you, see his eyes moving to you every few steps and the way his mouth straightened into an unhappy line at whatever he was seeing on your face.   
  
“I’m okay.” You breathed, not sure if you were telling him or trying to convince yourself.   
  
Either way, you were pretty sure that neither of you believed it in the slightest.   
  
By the time you reached the car your legs were wobbling, your breaths coming in ragged gasps.   
  
“Y/n, you’ve gotta tell me what this is about.” Mingi said softly, placing his palm on the car door when you attempted for the fourth time to use your shaking hands to wrench it open.   
  
You stared at his hand, swallowing thickly.   
  
Why did Mingi’s hand remind you of _his_?   
  
They were nothing alike really, Mingi’s were long and slender, the nails round crescents.   
  
_His_ were short, slightly less slender, the nails rough and uneven due to his habit of chewing on them when he was stressed.   
  
A short sound of distress slipped from your lips.   
  
Was it because you had just seen him in that doorway that you couldn’t seem to shake the ghostly warmth of his fingers reaching for yours?   
  
“Y/n, please.” Mingi was scrambling around his pockets with his other hand, face a mask of anxiety as he stared at you helplessly.   
  
You watched silently, not knowing what to tell him, how to tell him what had just happened.   
  
You knew exactly what he was doing, knew the number he was dialling with hurried taps because it was the only one that either of you knew by heart.   
  
Yunho.   
  
He held the phone to his ear, eyes never leaving your face as he waited for his friend to answer.   
  
“Yun,” There was so much relief in his voice that you had to look away, eyes swimming with tears.   
  
You missed whatever Mingi said to Yunho, zoning out completely although your mind screamed atyou that it was a bad idea.   
  
_“Where’s my favourite cutie!” Wooyoung bounded into the room, a wide grin plastered on his face as he peered around, his eyes searching the cozy room.  
  
“Here!” San piped up, a cheeky glint in his eyes and a smirk on his mouth. You poked your head out from around him with a lighthearted scoff, offering your boyfriend a smile.   
  
His eyes lit up.   
  
“Oh my two favourite cuties.” He cooed, dropping down between the two of you, his arms stretching out on either side to drop around your shoulders and San’s.   
  
“I thought I was the only one.” San grumbled, though a fond smile lifted the corners of his lips up, flashed first at his friend and then at you.   
  
You returned it, letting your head rest back against Wooyoung’s shoulder, eyes closing.   
  
“How was your day?” Woo’s voice tickled your ear, followed by a soft kiss to your temple, filling you with warmth.   
  
“San was annoying.” You informed him with a smile, cocking your eye open again in time to catch San’s faked expression of hurt.   
  
“I am deeply offended by that statement.” The dimpled boy exclaimed loudly, throwing himself dramatically away from the two of you, allowing Wooyoung to slide his other arm around you, now cocooning you against his chest. “I made your girlfriend cookies, she’s so ungrateful.”   
  
“You burnt some flour and water and then tried to poison me with it.” You corrected with a grin, closing your eyes again as San let out a further stream of complaints.   
  
You could feel Wooyoung’s body shaking below you with his silent laughter, his fingers stroking the skin of your shoulder as if it were just second nature to him.   
  
“Well I’m glad that San can love you while I’m not around too.” Wooyoung hummed after he had recovered and you waited, and waited, for San’s snide response.   
  
It never came.   
  
When you peeked through your lashes at your boyfriend’s friend, he was staring silently at the floor below his feet, eyebrows furrowed slightly, all the humour drained from his expression leaving behind a strange husk of himself that you’d never seen.   
  
He looked pale and sick and strangely guilty.  
  
‘_Weird. _’ You thought tiredly before allowing yourself to succumb to the pleasant lull of sleep in Wooyoung’s arms.  
  
_ “Y/n?” You jerked violently out of the memory and back into the present, becoming aware of the warmth of tears on your cheeks.   
  
You lifted the back of your hand to swipe away the evidence before you turned on your heel to look back at Mingi.   
  
“Let’s go home okay?” By home you knew he didn’t mean either of your homes but the place that all of your friends would be.   
  
You nodded silently in agreement, numbly stepping forward and sitting yourself in the car seat. He paused for a second, hand holding the door open as he peered down at you.   
  
“They’ll know what to do.” He said softly, definitely more to himself than to you, but you didn’t mind.   
  
You let your head flop back agains the head rest, closing your eyes. Time passed quickly, you felt like you’d barely closed them before you were reopening them again, hearing the hum of the engine, that you couldn’t even remember beginning, turn off.   
  
Blearily you looked over at Mingi, who was strangely silent as he pulled the key from the ignition and undid his seatbelt.   
  
When he finally glanced at you, you understood why he was so quiet.   
  
A fierce battle of guilt and worry raged in his eyes and you realised with a pained jolt that he felt helpless for being unable to understand what had upset you.   
  
But that wasn’t his fault, you wanted to tell him, the words settling thickly on the tip of your tongue.   
  
You swallowed them instead, following him out of the car and up the path towards the little shed, the one that you knew better than your own bedroom now.   
  
By the time the two of you reached the door, it was being pulled open and Yunho was spilling out from the crowd of your friends, his arms already reaching for you, his face a mask of worry.  
  
You collapsed into them with a sense of relief, a soft sob that you hadn’t known was in you, slipping from your lips as you clung to his shirt.   
  
“What happened?” He murmured into the top of your head, arms tight around you like he could hold the breaking parts of you together.   
  
He was the one who had seen you like this before, he was the one you knew you didn’t really need to tell. It had been in his brown eyes when he started out the door towards you, that he knew almost exactly what, or who, this would be about.   
  
But you forced out the words anyway, eyelids shutting over the tears brimming in your eyes, sending them once again spilling down your cheeks.   
  
“Wooyoung was there.”

  
  
-=-

You spent the rest of the afternoon curled up against Seonghwa’s side, his arm locked around you, fingers occasionally stroking comforting circles against your shoulder.   
  
For hours you tried silently to convince yourself that seeing Wooyoung had been enough for you to finally decide to stay away from him, and from San.   
  
But something about the look that you’d seen in Wooyoung’s eyes as he stepped through the door and seen you, gnawed insistently at you.   
  
“Y/n?” Yeosang touched your wrist lightly, drawing you out of your thoughts. You looked up, finding both Yeosang and Seonghwa staring down at you.  
  
“Hm?” You asked, glancing around the room.   
  
Nobody else was here, though you didn’t remember any of them leaving.   
  
“What do you want to do? Do you want to stay here the night?” He asked carefully, dark eyes regarding you, maybe seeing straight through your forced pleasant smile.   
  
He was exhausted and so was Seonghwa, you didn’t even have to actually look at either to know that much.   
  
You were exhausted too, since seeing Wooyoung your mind had refused to settle. Every second minute a new, old, memory attacked you, fragments of your past swirling like the broken pieces of a vase that ached to be put back together.

What you really wanted now was to confront Wooyoung, seeing him had left you with questions you’d long since let go of asking your heartbroken heart to get answers to.   
  
Why had he ruined everything the two of you had had? What had been so special about the girl you’d caught him with that he could give up the happiness between you for?   
  
And if something had gone so wrong between you, why hadn’t he told you about it? He hadn’t even _tried._  
  
No. You had to talk to him, there were just too many questions that needed answering.   
  
And his place really wasn’t far from here, you’d checked at some point during the day despite knowing it was no use having the information.   
  
Except suddenly an idea was formulating, small piece by piece, and every passing second was another piece slotting into place.   
  
You had never been one to abandon even half thought out plans.   
  
You swallowed.   
  
“No, I’ll walk myself home.” You moved to stand, attempting to shuffle out from below Seonghwa’s arm, but found it pinning you down stubbornly, his face a mask of worry when you turned to stare curiously at him.   
  
“You shouldn’t go anywhere by yourself, not when it’s dark and not when you’re in this state.” He said and Yeosang nodded in silent agreement across from you both.   
  
You grimaced, realising that following through the half formulated plan in the back of your mind was going to be a lot harder than you’d thought.   
  
You’d walked home from here more times than you could remember, but it never been this late. On the rare chances in the past that it had gotten so late that it was dark out, Yunho had driven you back to your apartment.   
  
But Yunho had gone home, likely needing a break from shouldering your problems.   
  
“It’s like a five minute walk and it isn’t that late.” You tried to reason, attempting again to stand and, again, finding his arm adamantly blocking your movement.   
  
“The longer you keep me here, the later and darker it gets.” You pointed out with a sigh.   
  
Yeosang let out a tiny sound of amusement and after a few moments Seonghwa let out a defeated noise, lifting his arm.   
  
You offered him a smile, leaning forward to kiss his cheek before you stood.   
  
“At least let us walk you.” He called, standing and following you to the door, Yeosang trailing quietly behind him.   
  
“I’ll be fine.” You said firmly over your shoulder, holding his gaze for a moment. “Really, it isn’t far.”   
  
_But Wooyoung’s place is._ A small voice needled in the back of your mind.   
  
You ignored it.   
  
“I don’t like this Y/n.” Yeosang muttered, frowning at you.   
  
You could see the gears turning swiftly behind his eyes, his mind working to understand why you wouldn’t let them walk you.   
  
You probably had about five minutes, max, before he figured it out.   
  
“How many times have I walked myself home?” You mustered as much energy as you could into your words, throwing everything into convincing them, hoping that they would forget the fact that it had always been daytime when you’d walked yourself home.   
  
You only needed a few minutes, a few minutes head start on them figuring it out.   
  
Seonghwa let out an exasperated groan.   
  
“Fine, please call us or text us when you’re home.” He relented, shaking his head.   
  
Yeosang looked unconvinced, but he was still trying to figure it out.  
  
You still had some time.   
  
“I will.” You smiled at them, lifting your hand in a wave and dropping it quickly, hoping that they didn’t notice the trembling of your fingers in the few moments it had hung in the air.   
  
And then quicker than you’d ever done before you left, feet hurrying up the path in the direction of your home.   
  
Except that wasn’t where you were going.   
  


-=-

You stood on the sidewalk, staring down the door on the other side of the road.   
  
You knew it so well.   
  
How many times had you let yourself in and out of that door, calling out to Wooyoung as you did?   
  
How many times had you watched it open from the inside while Wooyoung or San let themselves in?   
  
You closed your eyes, inhaling deeply. The air was cold and smelt like smoke.   
  
You weren’t entirely sure what you were doing here, what you planned to do.   
  
You’d only known that you couldn’t go home tonight, not straight away.   
  
There was light pouring out from below the cracks of the door now, that hadn’t been earlier.   
  
How long had you been standing here now?   
  
Long enough for your skin to be covered in goosebumps.   
  
A shiver ran through you.   
  
You should turn around and go home.  
  
There was no way that you had the courage to knock on that door, to face either of the males who lived inside of the apartment and ask the questions dancing in your thoughts.  
  
Your eyes strayed unwillingly to the left of the door, a memory that you’d tried time and again to suppress and forget rising to the surface.   
  
Wooyoung pressing a stranger, another girl, against the wall, his arm just in the way of where their faces must have met.   
  
Your jaw clenched.   
  
Her hands had been all over him, trailing up his chest, touching his hips, stroking his jaw. Doing all the things that you had done.  
  
They had been so close together, so entranced by one another that it hadn’t been until a strangled gasp of pain had finally worked its way from your throat that he had dropped his arm, spinning to look at you.   
  
There had been instant pain in his eyes, like he’d expected to find you there but had still hoped he wouldn’t.   
  
A warm tear slid down your face now and angrily you dashed it away, like you had on that day.   
  
You wanted not to be hurt still over his choices.   
  
Jung Wooyoung had broken you into a thousand unfixable pieces though, leaving his best friend to come and do the apologising.   
  
His best friend who had loved you and still held himself out of the way despite the pain it caused him, protecting you both at cost of himself while his friend couldn’t even summon the decency to break things off with you before kissing another girl.   
  
You were still contemplating turning around and going home when without warning the door flung open, spilling warm white light from inside the apartment onto the road and footpath.   
  
You froze.   
  
He was still dressed in the clothes he’d been wearing at the cafe, his dark brows furrowed into a frown as he stared at you from the doorway, his shoulder leant against it.   
  
“Do you want to come in?” He asked finally, jerking his head behind him.   
  
No.   
  
“Okay.” You crossed the road and slipped past him, ignoring the way his eyes silently followed you.   
  
You lingered in the hallway, hand reaching out to lightly touch the wall.   
  
It looked different than it had before, and yet still the same.   
  
“Did you paint?” You asked quietly, looking back at him as he closed the door.   
  
“No, San did.” He responded, avoiding your gaze.   
  
You looked back at the wall under your fingers in surprise.   
  
San had never been one for redecorating, the boy had barely been able to stomach changing his room around when you’d been dating Wooyoung.   
  
You could imagine him though, paint splotches on his cheeks and a bright smile on his mouth as he reached on his toes to get the corners of the wall.   
  
You could almost hear his laughter in your ears, though part of you wondered if he had really smiled or laughed since before your breakup with Wooyoung. The boy that you had last seen did not have the eyes of someone who enjoyed anything anymore, least of all painting.   
  
“It looks nice.” You mumbled, more to yourself than to him. He let out a non committal grunt and you turned back to face him, assessing his expression.   
  
He looked uncomfortable and on edge, his hands dug deep into his pockets, his eyes flickering everywhere to avoid having to look at you.   
  
Why did you come? His body asked the question, though his lips were a straight line of silence.   
  
“How did you know I was out there?” You asked instead of any of the other questions you wanted to be asking him, crossing your arms over your stomach.   
  
He blinked, mouth opening and closing before his shoulder lifted in a shrug. Clearly not the question he had been expecting from you either.   
  
“I didn’t, I was hoping that San would be there.” He admitted after a few moments.  
  
“San?” You repeated dumbly, earning a sharp look from Wooyoung.   
  
“He’s been gone for a few days.” He said tightly. “I thought you..”   
  
He shook his head, cutting himself off, but you barely noticed.   
  
Gone for a few days?   
  
You knew as well as Wooyoung did that Choi San didn’t have much family beyond him, that there were few places the gentle boy would be.   
  
Especially for that long.  
  
“Have you looked for him?”   
  
He gave you an incredulous look, now the one to cross his arms.   
  
“No, Y/n, my best friend went missing and I didn’t look for him.” Sarcasm dripped like venom from his voice and you jerked away from him, backing away a few steps.   
  
Instant regret slid across his handsome face and he lifted an hand to run through his long dark hair.   
  
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to.. I’m just worried about him.”   
  
“So am I.” You retorted, watching his face twist into something painful and…   
  
Heartbroken.   
  
You didn’t understand. And you didn’t have time to think about it.   
  
San was missing.   
  
“Did you try the park?”   
  
Wooyoung nodded in response, hand lifting to rub at his forehead.   
  
“What about the club?”   
  
Again he nodded, his anxiety hanging off of him like a string of lights decorating a Christmas tree.   
  
You cast your thoughts desperately to any other place that San had ever gone, trying to find some kind of reason that he might have gone there.   
  
San wasn’t the kind of person to go seeking an adventure in a place he’d never been, let alone some time to himself.   
  
“The beach?” You faltered halfway through asking, because it was possibly the stupidest one of your questions. Even if he had gone to the beach, it was a big space for just one person to search for one other person.   
  
“I tried everywhere, Y/n. Everywhere.” He sounded so exhausted, almost broken, and when he looked up at you there was desperation swimming in his dark eyes. “The police aren’t any help, I don’t know what else to do.”   
  
You forced yourself to inhale deeply, trying to push aside the fear that his words instilled in you.   
  
Where the hell could San have gone?   
  
There were very few places outside of this apartment that he would hold dear enough to his heart to seek refuge in.   
  
Suddenly you could understand why he had repainted the walls.   
  
Every good memory that San had of you and Wooyoung were in this little apartment and yet, this very apartment must drown him every second he was in it. Because the good memories were just memories to him now, the reality had slipped through his fingers and all of the effort he had used up trying to hide his feelings for you, to save his best friend the pain of an impossible decision, had been for nothing.   
  
Your heart ached and you had to look away from the wall.   
  
He must have been hurting so much already when he’d come to you last… and you’d thrown it in his face, all because you couldn’t find the strength to see past Wooyoung being in both of your lives.  
  
If San had been able to do it for the entirety of your relationship, why couldn’t you do the same for him?   
  
If he was really the one it had been all along, then why did Wooyoung even matter?   
  
“Why did this happen? What did you do?” You asked Wooyoung, ignoring the tightening of your chest at the thought of them arguing.   
  
San had already been so crushed, so sad and lonely, the last time you saw him.   
  
Surely even the smallest of things, the lightest of jokes, could have crumbled him.   
  
Wooyoung bristled at your words, lifting his head defiantly.   
  
“I didn’t do anything. He was fine.”   
  
_He was fine._  
  
You doubted that, but you weren’t surprised that he had been too blinded by whatever was going on with his own life to recognise his best friend was suffering until he was actually gone.   
  
If he hadn’t even been able to figure out that San had been in love with you then how would he have seen him struggling.   
  
But then again, you hadn’t known either. It had been obvious and the both of you had been oblivious.   
  
“I’m sure with your new girlfriend you were too busy to notice it anyway.” You couldn’t have helped the spiteful comment slipping from your lips if you had wanted to, and you immediately shrank away from him, prepared for an outburst.   
  
But there was none.   
  
In fact if anything it was the opposite, Wooyoung seemed to fold in on himself mentally and physically, dropping to his knees on the ground.   
  
“Wooyoung?” You stared down at him in surprise, a shiver of shock rolling through you when you realised his slight shoulders were shaking with silent sobs.   
  
Cautiously you found yourself kneeling down in front of him, your trembling hand reaching to touch his shoulder.   
  
But he wrenched away from your touch, like it was poison to him.   
  
As if it were _you_ that had broken _him_ and not the other way around.   
  
Your hand slowly dropped back to your side.   
  
Every time that you thought you understood anything about Wooyoung, you realised just how little you really knew of him.   
  
“Can we just focus on finding San?” He lifted his head, revealing the tears glittering on his cheeks.   
  
It took everything in you not to reach out and swipe them away, a habit that hadn’t apparently died despite what he’d done to you.   
  
“How are you going to find him when you’re such a mess?” You asked him carefully.   
  
“I’m fine.”   
  
Months of being his girlfriend had given you enough knowledge of Jung Wooyoung to know the false tone to his voice.   
  
But then, everything about him was different to you now.   
  
“Fine.” You both stood, simultaneously stepping back from one another as if both were afraid of being too close to the other.   
  
You were, but you couldn’t understand what reason Wooyoung had to be acting this way.   
  
Like he was the one who had lost you and been hurt.   
  
Jung Wooyoung didn’t know hurt, you reminded yourself bitterly.  
  
Except that the look in his eyes when he finally reluctantly met your searching gaze, was not a stones throw from the look you were sure had been in your eyes when you’d seen him kissing that girl.   
  
“Wha-” You opened your mouth to ask him something, and then closed it when you realised you weren’t sure exactly what question you wanted to ask him.   
  
There were too many and they all crowded the forefront of your mind, each demanding louder than the last to be asked until you were forced to push them all back into the messy corner of your mind.   
  
Into the space that you had shoved your feelings and thoughts about San.   
  
San.   
  
“Wooyoung.” You stared almost blindly ahead of you, a realisation hitting you in the chest like a brick.   
  
“Mm?” Curious how you could feel his gaze on you and not be disgusted as you’d thought you would if you ever saw him again.   
  
“Did you actually check the cafe this afternoon?” He froze and you swivelled your head to face him.   
  
You had assumed until now that he had gone into the cafe by nothing more than coincidence, until just a moment ago it hadn’t occurred to you he must have gone in search of San.

  
Judging by his look of horror, he hadn’t returned to properly check after running into you.

Not that it was likely that San would go to that cafe of all places, especially if he were trying to heal, which was the only reason you could fathom that he would suddenly disappear.   
  
“Let’s go.” He said over his shoulder, already at the door and pulling it open with so much force that it slammed into the opposite wall, swinging back towards him and revealing a dent in the plaster.   
  
You grimaced and hurried to catch the edge of it before it could also smash into his shoulder.   
  
“Be careful.” You muttered, the cautionary words a habit, pulling the door closed behind you as you stepped out after him into the cold night air once again.   
  
There was an odd feeling of nostalgia in your gut as you turned away from the door to face Wooyoung, shuffling on his feet in the spot.   
  
You could have almost sworn you’d stood with him like this before, and it felt as it had then. Comfortable.   
  
As if the last few months of pain and hurting because of him hadn’t happened.

But they had, you reminded yourself harshly when your eyes met his and found something similar lingering in his gaze.   
  
You looked away sharply, shoving your hands deep into your pockets, hunching your shoulders.   
  
Anything to signal to him that there was no going back to even your friendship before his betrayal.   
  
It would take a lot more than united worry over San to drag together even the tatters of a platonic relationship between the two of you again, you knew that much.   
  
And you weren’t sure if you even wanted to be Wooyoung’s friend again.   
  
But right now none of that mattered, what mattered was finding San.   
  
“I’ll drive.” Wooyoung said, keys dangling between his fingertips. You eyed them, sudden distress grabbing a hold of you and shaking you up.   
  
Something about the way it felt too familiar to fall into step behind him, gaze lingering on his slight form frightened a part of you more than you wanted to admit.  
  
It had been so long since you’d been driven anywhere by Wooyoung that you genuinely couldn’t even remember which car was his when you followed him down the street to the small designated area for car parks belonging to nearby residents.   
  
You took in the sleek silver finish of the vehicle as Wooyoung unlocked it and dropped into the seat, the car roaring to life in the quietest way you had ever heard a car start.   
  
It looked well cleaned and cared after and the inside was neat and warm when you reluctantly sat yourself in the seat across from Wooyoung.   
  
He held the wheel so stiffly that you wondered if his arms hurt, locked in completely straight despite the lack of space between the wheel and his body to accommodate the position. 

“Wooyoung,” You started and then stopped when he glanced over at you, his eyebrows drawn together but his eyes receptive, ready.   
  
He was tensed like he was waiting for an attack, waiting for something to happen.   
  
As if it hadn’t already happened.   
  
You frowned, clasping your hands in your lap. What could he possibly be so scared of hearing from you?   
  
Why did he even care? He had shown you in every way possible that he didn’t care for you, that you hadn’t meant enough to him to stop him reaching for another girl.   
  
“What is it?” He finally asked into the silence when he was forced to slow down for a red traffic light. He didn’t look back at you again though, his gaze fixed determinedly ahead of him.   
  
“Nothing, I forgot.” You lied, staring at him, watching for the signs you knew so well even after all this time.  
  
The downward twitch of his lip, the slow blink of his eyes, the almost imperceptible tightening of the skin over his jaw.   
  
He felt guilty.   
  
Your eyebrow arched and you looked away from him again, staring unseeingly into the traffic around you.   
  
Guilty for cheating on you? Or guilty for losing his best friend?   
  
Or was it something else entirely?   
  
By the time that Wooyoung pulled his silver car into the carpark directly in front of the now closed cafe, the silence had stretched so thin that you were positive you were both just holding your breath, waiting for the other to break and speak first.   
  
You were seconds away from exhaling in exasperation when Wooyoung’s head jerked and his body lurched forward, his eyes fixed attentively on the dark glass wall in front of him.   
  
You followed his line of sight, straining your eyes to see whatever it was that had caught his attention so abruptly.   
  
But you could only see the dark stationary upturned tables and chairs, left the way that they always were during the last hour of the cafe’s trading hours. You could see the little green sign hanging lopsidedly on the door indicating that the building was closed until tomorrow morning and you could see the one dim light left on in the very back of the kitchen flickering, like it always did.   
  
Before you had the chance to ask Wooyoung what he’d seen he was scrambling to undo his seatbelt and leaping from his seat and out into the night air.   
  
“Do you have a key?” He asked, turning to look at you, his eyes wild with emotions.   
  
You gaped at him, wordlessly shaking your head.   
  
He let out an exasperated sound, his hands lifting to either side of his forehead. 

Again you tilted your head towards the darkened cafe window, trying desperately to see whatever it was that Wooyoung had seen. And again you were met with no obvious signs of your mutual missing friend.   
  
“Wooyoung, he’s not in there.” You said in confusion, looking over at your on edge companion.   
  
He shook his head, crossing his arms over his stomach.   
  
“He is, he is, I know he’s in there.” He murmured, the words so quiet that you nearly missed them entirely.   
  
“Even if he was, we have no way in.” You told him gently, finally pulling yourself out of the car and moving around it to stand beside him. Tentatively you reached out to touch his arm, ignoring the memories that the simple motion brought springing to your mind.  
  
“We could break the glass.” He whispered half heartedly, closing his eyes when your fingers met the skin of his forearm.   
  
Despite yourself a small smile slipped onto your lips at his comment.   
  
Not because of any memory to do with the boy in front of you, but because it was such a San like thing to say, right down to the tone he’d used.  
  
You’d never realised just how many little things about Choi San you’d come to know and treasure. 

Or how much you could miss someone who you’d barely even noticed you cared so much for until it was too late already.   
  
You wondered if you would ever address your thoughts on who you would have chosen if you had known earlier.   
  
You wanted to believe that you had loved Wooyoung the entire time, that no part of you had ever or would have ever considered San.   
  
But you had been so ready to accept his confession even in the midst of your breakup, you hadn’t reacted with horror the way that normal people might have at the thought of their partner’s best friend having hidden feelings for them.   
  
No, you had been almost relieved to hear him say it to you.   
  
So did that not make you as bad as Wooyoung?

  
Wooyoung looked up, catching the end of your smile as it faltered with your thoughts and something in his eyes felt like a flashing red light, a warning, in that brief moment.   
  
But he didn’t say anything, turning his head away sharply instead, like he was forcing himself to hold back.   
  
Hold back what, you weren’t sure.  
  
Your thoughts swam chaotically, trying desperately to catch up to the meaning behind that look.   
  
A soft tapping sound inevitably tugged your thoughts away from it though, drawing your gaze to the side of the cafe building, the side which led to the back door.   
  
The sound had to be the wind gently pushing the door around in its hinges, it was a sound you heard often during the day because nobody had ever quite gotten around to tightening the screws holding it in place.   
  
Mostly because it didn’t make the door any less secure.   
  
But you’d forgotten it was there.   
  
It was locked, it always was, you didn’t need to half walk half run to it and grab tightly to the handle to know that it wouldn’t swing open.   
  
But you did it anyway, Wooyoung’s footsteps pattering hesitantly after you and pausing behind you at the door.   
  
You weren’t sure if you were imagining the warmth of his breath on the back of your neck, or if he had really stopped so close to you that you could feel the lack of distance between you, the shared anxiety twisting in both of your stomachs.   
  
What would San even be doing here of all places if he were inside?   
  
The handle stuck firm beneath your trembling grip.   
  
It didn’t budge.   
  
Wooyoung let out an impatient huff from behind you and brushed you out of the way easily, his own hand coming down hard on the handle.   
  
For just a moment nothing happened, the handle remained stubbornly stuck in place.   
  
And then suddenly it jerked downwards, the door swinging inwards.   
  
You froze, gaze on the now open doorway in front of you, darkness pressing on it from within the cafe.   
  
So it had been unlocked.  
  
But the back door was never unlocked at night.   
  
Wooyoung turned slowly to look at you, his dark eyes wide with shock.   
  
“Do we go in?” He breathed uncertainly and you resisted the urge to sit down and put your head in your hands.   
  
You knew well enough that no staff member would leave that door unlocked, it locked behind them when they left the building.   
  
Which meant that someone had to have unlocked it from the inside, because the key would be at home with whoever locked it.   
  
So who unlocked it from inside? Was it San?  
  
You drew in a shuddering breath, nodding at Wooyoung.   
  
It probably wasn’t San, because it still did not make sense that he would come here of all places.  
  
So were you about to walk into an armed stranger’s hideout?   
  
You both took a few hesitant steps into the dark space beyond the doorway, your shoulder’s brushing one another’s.   
  
Surely the pain of your last encounter with him here would be enough to keep San from the small cafe.   
  
Surely this was the last place he would come, especially at night.   
  
Maybe he wasn’t even broken up about you anymore.   
  
You didn’t know if you wanted that or feared it.   
  
“What if he’s not here.” Wooyoung whispered into the darkness, making you look sharply at him.

  
You’d been so focused on trying to convince yourself that San wasn’t here that you hadn’t considered what to do if he really wasn’t.   
  
You could go with Wooyoung to check all the places he had already checked, you could drive yourself insane with worry for San… but you might not find him anywhere.   
  
A choked sound escaped your throat and your fingers curled tightly into your palm.   
  
You felt Wooyoung’s concerned but surprisingly empathetic glance your way.   
  
He said nothing though, because he knew there was nothing to be said that could ease either of your hearts.   
  
Only there was no way that he could know the true extent of what yours was feeling _.  
  
_ Until now you hadn’t properly considered the fact that everything that had happened between you and San wasn’t something that Wooyoung knew.   
  
Inwardly you squirmed at the thought of having to explain to Wooyoung that somewhere along the way you’d begun to fall for his best friend.  
  
Despite what he’d done, part of you ached at the thought of him finding it out. Once you might have thought it would devastate him… But now you weren’t even sure if he would truly care.   
  
And then you berated yourself for thinking about it.   
  
Jung Wooyoung did not deserve a shred of your concern, he had cheated on you and had yet to even apologise for it.   
  
“What’s that?”   
  
“What’s what?” You twisted to look where Wooyoung’s finger pointed, following the direction of it to a familiarly shaped shadow.   
  
“Y/N?” Your heart plummeted.   
  
San.   
  
“San?” Wooyoung stepped forward and the shadow stumbled back, hands lifting defensively. “San it’s just me.”   
  
“Why are you here?” San’s mostly disembodied voice croaked, his shadow seeming to almost deflate at the sound of Wooyoung’s voice.   
  
You remained silent, unable to move your eyes from the shape of him.   
  
The more your eyes adjusted to the dark, the more of him you could see.   
  
Somehow he looked even worse than last time you’d seen him, something you hadn’t thought possible and yet there he stood, barely standing, barely even breathing.   
  
He looked so thin and so small.   
  
Your heart ached with all the words you’d held inside it for him, words that even now you couldn’t tell him.   
  
You had to shove your hands into your pockets to hide their trembling.   
  
“Why am I here? To bring my best friend home, idiot.” Wooyoung snapped, taking another step closer. This time San remained rooted in place, his eyes flickering between you and his best friend warily.   
  
“I left for a reason Woo.” San finally sighed, his small hands lifting to run through his hair.   
  
Everything inside you ached, tears brimming in your eyes.   
  
“I told you that I don’t care about it.” Wooyoung said so firmly that you looked at him sideways.   
  
So there was a reason?   
  
Then why hadn’t he told you that when you’d asked him? He’d told you San was fine.   
San seemed to bristle at Wooyoung’s words, his eyes flashing even in the darkness of the empty cafe.   
  
“You should care.”   
  
You felt lost in their conversation, trying desperately to find any meaning or sense to their words as they continued to back and forth.   
  
You’d thought that San had been fleeing the guilt of falling for his best friend’s girlfriend, but that wasn’t something Wooyoung had led you to believe he knew anything about.   
  
So there must be another reason.   
  
Eventually you gave up trying to understand the reasons, settling instead for simply resting your gaze on San.   
  
Despite his horrible outwards appearance, there was something warm settling in your chest at the sight of him.  
  
Even though he’d barely cast you a single glance since saying your name, you felt a surge of relief and gratitude over his safety, so strong that you found yourself slowly lowered your body to the floor amidst their bickering.   
  
It wasn’t until you found your head resting against the chair leg behind you that either of the arguing males seemed to notice your lack of presence in the ongoing conversation.   
  
“y/n?” San’s head tilted towards you and Wooyoung’s soon swivelled as well, the two of them taking you in.   
  
“I’m good, keep talking.” You muttered dismissively, shaking your hands through the air at them.   
  
Neither seemed convinced enough to start their conversation up again.   
  
“Oh for gods sake, I sat down it’s not like I passed out.” You snapped in irritation at them when the silence became suffocating.   
  
“That’s not it.” Wooyoung murmured quietly, shaking his head.   
  
The air suddenly seemed thick with emotions, half of which emanated from the two males towering over you and half from you.   
  
You could almost taste the regret lacing the spaces between you and San and the guilt radiating from Wooyoung like a furnace.   
  
The unsolved feelings between all of you were at a boiling point that was becoming increasingly difficult to ignore and you were suddenly wishing that you’d never let yourself walk to the apartment.   
  
It felt like a million years ago, but it had only really been a few hours at most.   
  
“Just sort things out so we can all go home, it’s been a long day.” You sighed, closing your eyes tightly, hoping that it would slow the tumultuous spinning of your thoughts.   
  
San was so close, and yet he was so far.   
  
All you wanted to do was talk to him, tell him everything, your thoughts, your feelings.   
  
But Wooyoung was here too, draining so much of your energy and thoughts, whether he meant to or not.   
  
You flinched when something warm touched the back of your hand and your eyes flew open to meet a familiarly slanted pair of brown ones, concern glittering in them so fiercely that your words of objection caught harshly in your throat.   
  
San.   
  
Your gaze flitted to his lips, a straight line of worry, and back to his eyes.   
  
Those eyes.   
  
Eyes that you could drown in.   
  
You wished you could.  
  
Maybe then everything else could disappear, all the things that you worried about and that he worried about.  
  
Wooyoung cleared his throat from somewhere, presumably beyond the sharp jutting shape of San’s shoulder.   
  
And you suddenly just didn’t care anymore.   
  
About how it might hurt him to know that his best friend was in love with you, or that his ex girlfriend was in love with his best friend.   
  
He had brought it on himself when he cheated on you.   
  
You tried not to let the question of how long you had harboured feelings for San invade again.   
  
It didn’t matter anymore.   
  
You turned your head away from San, tears prickling the backs of your eyes.   
  
Right now you weren’t even sure where San’s feelings stood, you had only just barely begun to figure out your own.  
  
Jung Wooyoung had made a mess of more things than he even knew.   
  
And yet you couldn’t seem to fully blame him, because the memory of him falling to the floor just an hour ago, his shoulders shaking with silent sobs of pain, haunted you.   
  
Even now, as you lifted your head to find him around San, his eyes were filled with a strange kind of pain that you couldn’t put your finger on. It felt familiar to you, and yet completely alien in the eyes of someone who had hurt you so much.   
  
The warmth of San’s hand, still resting ever so light over the back of yours, drew your attention back to him. 

“Are you okay?” He asked quietly.   
  
Was that a trick question?   
  
“No.” You murmured, suddenly so tired of pretending that the word tumbling without restraint from your lips.   
  
San’s face seemed to crumple in on itself and his fingers twitched against your hand.   
  
“Let’s take her home.” He said, loud enough for Wooyoung to hear.   
  
But Wooyoung was already out the door and heading to the car, his keys in his hands.   
  
The two of you stared wordlessly after him.   
  
“Can you stand?” San finally asked, looking back at you.   
  
You avoided his eyes, because if you looked at them now you might say something that was better left to be said when he was in a better shape than he looked like he was now.   
  
“Yes San, I’m just tired.”   
  
“I know.” He whispered softly, standing up, his hand tightening around yours to pull you up with him. “I’m tired too.”   
  
You let him lead you out to the car, too tired to protest being relocated from the front passenger seat to the back.   
  
It wasn’t until you were almost at your apartment that you realised San had slid into the back seat as well, his shoulder resting against yours and his hand placed carefully beside yours, not quite touching but close enough for you to feel the warmth from him.   
  
It was too much, him being so close after so long.   
  
Hesitantly, fearfully, you closed the gap, brushing your hand against his.   
  
A tiny smile tugged up the corners of his lips and a wave of relief crashed over you.   
  
There was still hope then.   
  
You just had to figure out what to do about Wooyoung.

  
  
  
-=-

“Let me get this right,” Mingi drawled around a mouthful of food, his eyes staring piercingly at you over the coffee table, his hand brandishing his half finished piece of toast like a weapon. “You not only lied to all of us, but then went and confronted your ex, found your missing lover and then just went home to bed?”   
  
You grimaced at him over your cup of coffee.   
  
The brown liquid inside had long ago cooled to an undrinkable temperature but you kept it clasped between your fingers anyway.   
  
Yeosang and Seonghwa glowered at you from either side while Yunho, Jongho and Hongjoong watched silently, the only expressions on their faces were that of someone trying deliberately to be blank of emotions.   
  
“Don’t call him my lover,” You muttered, finally placing the cup down in front of you, risking a glance over at Seonghwa. “That’s so old fashioned and weird.”   
  
Seonghwa crossed his arms, leaning back.   
  
His eyes were thunderous, much like you expected Yeosang’s would be on the opposite side to the older boy.   
  
Neither had said a single word to you since you’d admitted what had happened last night.   
  
“But really y/n, that was it? They dropped you home and you just went to bed?” Jongho asked into the silence, leaning forward. Despite trying to hide it, he was overly interested.   
  
Maybe because he was the one who knew the least about it as the most recent addition to the group.   
  
You shifted uncomfortably.   
  
“What was I supposed to do? Run after San and confess my feelings to him?” You snorted sarcastically.   
  
“Yes.” Chorused all six of the boys crowded at the table, gaining a few sideways glances from other customers.   
  
“You know, the only one of us whose ever seen you being yourself is Yunho.” Seonghwa muttered suddenly, his slender fingers flicking absently at the table, eyes fixed hard on the very spot he hit.   
  
“What?” You lifted your eyebrows, glancing at Yunho.   
  
He tilted his head contemplatively back at you.   
  
Seonghwa lifted his gaze to you calmly.   
  
“Since we met you, you’ve been upset and hurting over these two idiots. I’ll go as far as saying it’s _why_ we met you.” You opened your mouth to argue with him but he lifted a finger and continued. “You can’t look me in the eyes, Y/n, and tell me that the you we’ve known all this time isn’t a shadow of the person that happy y/n is.”   
  
You closed your mouth slowly, swallowing heavily.   
  
Hongjoong met your gaze from beside Seonghwa, a small sympathetic smile on his lips.   
  
But his eyes said he agreed with Seonghwa’s words, and really you couldn’t argue with them.  
  
“I’m not saying it’s your fault,” Seonghwa murmured gently after a few moments of silence from you. “I’m just saying, I’d really like to get to know the real you, I think we all would. And that means you need to sort this out with Wooyoung and San.”   
  
Sort it out, he said it so easily, as if it were something you could just do.   
  
How did you sort out your boyfriend cheating on you, his best friend being in love with you, you being in love with them both?   
  
Yeosang, who until now hadn’t said anything, let out a heavy exhale, drawing everyone’s attention.   
  
“Y/n, we love you. But we can’t fight this battle for you, we can only support your decision.”   
  
You blinked, taken aback by his sincerity.   
  
“I’d like them to know my Y/n.” Yunho agreed softly, reaching across the table to take your hands.   
  
Your heart crumpled and tears fled down your cheeks.   
  
“I can beat them both up for you?” Jongho offered suddenly, earning a few chuckles.   
  
So now you just had to decide what to do.   
  
As if it were an easy every day task to decide whether to follow your heart to San or to flee him to protect yourself from the reminder of what Wooyoung had done.   
  
“Have you actually talked to Wooyoung?” Hongjoong asked, reaching for his cup and downing the liquid inside.  
  
Judging by the horrified grimace he served the cup as he put it back down, it had gone as cold as yours was.   
  
“Talked to him?”   
  
“About what he did, and why.”   
  
The table fell silent and everyone’s eyes fixed on you.   
  
You shook your head.   
  
“It might help you move past it if you knew the reason behind his choice.”  
  
It hadn’t crossed your mind to ask Wooyoung why he’d done what he did to you.   
  
Or rather it had, but had escaped you when you’d actually faced him last night, like most of your words had.   
  
You were as scared of finding out the answer as you were of never knowing it.   
  
You inhaled deeply, nodding to yourself.   
  
“Okay. I’ll do it.”

**A/N -** I haven't properly edited this but those of you who continue to read this have waited a fair while for an update so I think I'll just post it as is! This story is very close to coming to an end, so its your last chance to give me your opinions on how you, as the reader, would love to see this end.   
  
I hope you enjoyed this! I tried to make it very full on to make up for the lack of things happening in the last chapter :) <33 As always, thankyou for your support. 


	6. Update !

Hello friends!   
  
Sorry for the false alarm, **this is not a new chapter**.   
  
But it is an explanation to those of you still sticking around for the end - which is still coming I promise!!! About two months ago my laptop broke, water spilt on it and it hasn't turned on since. It's a simple fix, I pay a few hundred dollars to get the corroded parts fixed and it will be fine, but I became drowned by my work and still have a lack of funds even for that. I work two jobs and between them I've had barely a day a week off, which I usually spend trying to catch up on lost sleep etc. I have barely even been able to keep up with Ateez's contents, which has been hard and heartbreaking.   
  
You may wonder what a broken laptop does to stop me from writing the rest of this story, if you are this is where I explain that for some odd reason i am just INCAPABLE of writing on my phone. I mean i can, but something about keyboards helps me focus so much better on what I want to write and i find it quicker to get things out as opposed to on a smaller screen. I've recently found an older laptop I had, barely works but enough for me to start collecting my bits and pieces together to write an ending to this story.   
  
I truly do not know how many people actively care about my writing, but for those who do now and those who have in the past, for the hundreth time I give you my most sincere thanks. I love to write, but I have severe mental health issues that cause me to believe that what I write can always be better, that what I write will never be good or enough. So if you've ever left me a comment, even unrelated to giving me support, or dropped a kudos, thankyou x one hundred, one thousand, one million.

It is because of the few comments I've had on this story since the last update, even before that, that I decided I still wanted to finish this. I've been working on the last two chapters for a while, mentally at least. Now that I have this laptop I can finally begin to work on actually writing it and pulling together those little pieces. I truly hope that you enjoy it when I do finally finish it.   
  
Once this story is done I'd like to start another! Just because writing is something that keeps me sane, it is one of the few things i love as unconditionally as i love Ateez. If you have ideas or requests please don't hesitate in the slightest to tell me~   
  
I have wattpad (YunhosFlower) and Tumblr (YunhosFlower / dear-yunho) if you want to read any of my other writing / want to get into contact with me in anyway.  
  
I just wanted to give an update I suppose to those in the current moment waiting for the end of this - i know when I read something and someone hasn't ended it I check back every so often wondering if there's finally an ending yet. It is coming, it is still coming. I truly hope to end the story by the end of this year, but I can't make any promises. Thankyou again for everything, look forward to the remaining parts! <3   
  
~ Jade 


	7. Chapter 6

Knock.

You were going to regret this.

Knock.

You already did, there was still time to turn away and leave.

Knock.

You dropped your fist from the door, taking a hasty step backwards.

The brief surge of confidence that breakfast with your friends had given you was ebbing faster than it had come and you took another step backwards as the reality hit you.

You had no idea what to say to whichever of them answered the door.

You didn't even know if San still felt the same, if he was still hoping for your heart.

"San isn't home." You twisted in violent shock to find Wooyoung standing behind you, looking as surprised to see you on his doorstep again as you were to see him behind you.

You gaped at him, looking between the closed door and his uncomfortably poised figure.

"I was...I'm not just here to see San." You finally said.

Wooyoung pursed his lips.

"Are you sure?" Was that jealousy? Pain?

You couldn't understand a single one of the emotions swirling in his gaze.

You clasped your arms around yourself, as if it could help you hold yourself together in front of him.

Last night you had both been distracted by the need to find San, to make sure he was okay. There had been little to no time spared towards the breakup, to the unsolved issues left dangling between you.

And now that was all there was.

"Wooyoung, we need to talk." You finally relented. He looked away sharply, like you'd slapped him.

"What's the point in talking about it?" He asked tensely, moving to step past you. You frowned, moving with him, blocking his way. "Move Y/n."

"Move? I'll move when you answer my damn questions!" You hissed, seeing red when he continued to evade your gaze.

"You haven't asked me anything!" He snarled, finally meeting your gaze evenly. "You never asked a single thing, how can I answer!"

"Why did you do it!" You found yourself screeching suddenly, hands swinging out to hit his shoulder, eyes wild.

He took a step back, mouth dropping open at your unplanned outburst. He looked as surprised as you felt but you had started now, you were like a fire raging out of control and you followed him, reaching out to jab his chest with every word you spoke.

"We were fine, we were happy. Why did you have to ruin it?"

He slapped your hand away lightly, shaking his dark haired head.

"We weren't happy."

You paused, feeling like he'd just torn the air from your lungs.

Pain blossomed in your chest, a pain that had never really stopped from the day you'd seen him kissing someone you didn't even know, like he didn't care about you at all.

"I was happy." You whispered brokenly.

And you had been.

Blissfully unaware of his best friend's following eyes, you'd been in love with Jung Wooyoung and you had never been happier.

Nothing had ever filled the empty place in your life the way he and San had, and now you wondered if anything could ever replace it.

If even they could replace the space that was carved out in their exact shapes when they'd clearly both lost so much of themselves too.

Part of you was unsure whether you'd have been able to go back, if you could have, to not knowing how San felt about you, to the time when all three of you were somewhat happy and coexisting with each other's feelings.

Wooyoung shook his head, reaching out suddenly to touch the side of your face, a strange wistful look in his eyes.

It was strange for him to touch you again, especially in such an intimate way.

But you couldn't find it in yourself to move away, to even breathe in case it broke the moment.

He broke it first, voice wavering more and more with each word that tumbled from his lips.

"You weren't happy. San wasn't happy. I was the only one that was happy."

A cold breeze slid over you, raising goosebumps on your skin.

With it a strange sensation of falling came.

You tried, you did, to wrap your thoughts around his words. To connect one end to the other, to make it make any sense.

If he had been the only one happy then why had he been the one to ruin it all?

"I don't understand."

Wooyoung stared evenly at you, his eyes searching yours for so long that you wondered if you should say something else.

It was like he was trying to dissect your train of thought, and if he was you wondered if he could see the wreck that it was.

He probably could, maybe better than you could. Maybe that was why there was the tiniest flicker of pity in those dark eyes before he finally spoke.

"You don't understand?"

"That's what I said." You muttered back, moving your cheek out of his grip finally.

"Y/n, do you think I'm that stupid?" He asked slowly, taking a step back, a flash of hurt in his eyes replacing every other emotion.

Of all the things you'd considered Wooyoung since he had broken your heart, stupid was never one.

You didn't get the chance to tell him that.

"Do you know how hard I tried to not see the way that San looked at you? My best friend falling in love with the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.. that's not something you can pretend not to see for long."

It hadn't ever occurred to you, not even once, that maybe Wooyoung had known how San felt.

You felt like you should give him some kind of reaction, but you weren't sure what to do.

Should you gasp in shock?

Should you cry out of guilt?

It wasn't your fault that San had fallen in love with you, you couldn't control that any more than he could have.

A small voice in the back of your mind insisted that there was more to it than just San falling for you, that you hadn't been completely unaware of the strange way San had acted around you.

There were moments even now that you could pinpoint where you had stared a little longer at San, trying to figure out why he'd been staring a little longer at you.

There were moments where despite the love you felt for Wooyoung, you had wondered deep deep inside the corner of your mind, if things wouldn't have been easier with his best friend.

And you hated it.

So you did what you had always done, you tried to cram it back into the depths of your consciousness where it couldn't hurt anyone.

"And it was okay, I could handle it." Wooyoung whispered, looking at you with so much pain in his eyes that you wanted to curl into a ball with your fists pressed into your eye sockets to avoid seeing and feeling it.

Every moment of his hurt was shining brightly in the tears that gathered in his eyes.

And yet he smiled, somehow. It was a bittersweet curl of his lips that was filled with heartbreak and agony, but it was more than the distraught straight line you were sure your lips were pressed into.

You could feel them begin to tremble when he parted his lips to speak, because you knew what was going to come out of his lips next and you knew that it was going to hurt both of you to finally hear it said out loud. 

"I could handle him loving you, but I couldn't handle it when you started to fall for him."

Childishly your hands sprang to your ears, covering them too late to miss the wounded strain to Wooyoung's cracking voice.

He stared wordlessly at you, understanding glimmering there somewhere amidst the torment in his eyes.

Maybe it was because he had loved you both so much that he could still stand to be near you.

You could barely stand to be near you right now.

You wanted to drop to your knees and beg him to take the words back, because up until he had said them aloud you could go on pretending that you hadn't fallen for his best friend before you'd even known it was happening.

You could go back to pretending that it had all been Wooyoung's fault that you had fallen apart.

You wanted to unleash the excruciating wail dancing against your closed lips.

Instead you simply stood before him, silently holding yourself together.

You didn't get to be the one who broke down.

All this time you'd harboured nothing but hatred and disgust for Wooyoung and his choice.

But it was suddenly a lot harder to find those feelings inside you when he was standing so small before you, his broken heart displayed so clearly across his handsome face.

"I know you didn't mean for it to happen, and neither did he. I know that you can't help who you fall in love with. If you could, I would have stopped myself from loving either of you." He spoke so quietly that you had to tilt forward to hear him, nearly losing your footing.

"But it still hurt me, it hurt me so much." Wooyoung choked out brokenly, his eyes finally closing, sending the tears slipping down his cheeks.

His hands were curled into tight fists.

"And I wish, god I wish that I didn't love the both of you so much that I'm okay with it."

"Wooyoung.."

You weren't sure if it was the right thing to do, if it would make it easier or harder for him, but you were reaching for him, folding his trembling body against yours.

It was so easy, he melted into you and your arms encircled him.

And yet it was the hardest thing that you had ever had to do.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you." He whispered, the words hot against the skin of your neck. "I was hurting too if that helps."

You wanted it to help, to make one of you feel better.

But it didn't.

"Woo I didn't.."

"I know you didn't mean for it to happen. I know you probably didn't even fully realise until now. I know that." He spoke in a hushed voice, maybe trying his best to hide the wobbling of it.

It didn't work.

You pushed him away from your body in a slow gentle movement to stare at him, taking in his appearance.

His face was tearstained and he looked exhausted.

It only broke your heart more, forcing words out of your lips that you knew you should keep inside, because they weren't helping either of you now.

Words were never going to fix what you'd both lost.

"I loved you. I don't think that I would have ever left you for him, I can't know that for sure but I hadn't even figured out his feelings for me until the night that I found you kissing-"

Even now, you couldn't say it.

Even knowing that he had done it for not only your sake, but his and San's, you couldn't stomach the thought of his lips on hers.

Wooyoung stared at you, first in confusion and then understanding, gauging your silence.

It surprised you when he let out a tiny laugh.

"I didn't kiss her."

Despite yourself, you felt an eyebrow lift incredulously at him. It was one thing for him to drop all these bombs on you, but to deny something that you'd seen with your very own eyes... you couldn't quite understand the logic behind it.

It wasn't like you didn't understand why he'd done it, it was different now. The pain still hit you like a train but it was a different kind.

He waved his hand through the air, shaking his head.

"I didn't kiss her! I know that's what it looked like, it was meant to. But I didn't actually kiss her, please, think about what you saw." He begged, still shaking his head.

He must be getting dizzy by now.

You didn't want to think about it, but he was watching you so closely, clearly desperate for you to believe him.

The least you could do for him after all he'd done for you was try to remember the event correctly.

You wanted to believe him.

So reluctantly you nodded, casting your thoughts back to that memory, the one that you'd shoved so far back that you almost couldn't find it and yet sprang so easily to mind when you least wanted it.

Because you really didn't want to remember it, despite what you knew now. Even though you knew he wouldn't be so desperate for you to remember it correctly if it weren't the truth.

But you closed your eyes, remembering the day.

Remembered the way her hands had touched him, the way it had made your blood boil.

Remembered the way his face had been tilted towards hers.

Remembered the way his arm had been on the wall behind her head.

Remembered the way that because of the way his arm angled to support himself against the wall over her, you hadn't been quite able to see if he was kissing her but it hadn't mattered to you in that moment.

A distraught sound escaped you.

You had been so quick to believe the lie he'd presented you.

"I'm sorry." You whispered, opening your eyes again.

Wooyoung smiled sadly.

"I know Y/n."

Silence ensued and you fell deeper into your thoughts.

Knowing now that he had given up so much for you to be happy, for San to be happy, everything felt so wrong.

It felt wrong to want San still.

It felt wrong that you'd ever hated Wooyoung, that you'd believed his lies.

Thinking about it now, they hadn't been that convincing.

But to not love his best friend after he had given up everything to see you follow your hearts, both of you, was just as wrong as wanting him.

"Do you want to wait inside for San?" Wooyoung asked gently after a while and you looked sharply across at him.

He was watching you carefully, expression calm and blank.

If he held any resentment towards either you or San, he was masterfully hiding that right now.

In that moment you realised just how big Jung Wooyoung's heart was.

"I think so." You nodded, wrapping your arms around yourself.

The air was cold, pressing against your skin like a blanket that offered no warmth, but that wasn't why you held yourself.

You clung tightly to yourself because if you didn't then the carefully taped together pieces of your heart might fall back apart in front of Wooyoung and he'd dealt with too much of his own pain to see yours too.

He deserved a break.

He deserved better than you could have given him.

Wooyoung shoved his hand into his pocket, seeming to struggle for a moment as he searched for something. Finally he pulled it out with a satisfied grunt - his house key, and reached for your hand, removing it from your side to drop the key into your palm.

You stared dumbly down at the silver key in your hand, blinking slowly.

It was just a key. In fact you would daresay it was the same key he'd given you in the past when your relationship had gotten serious enough for him to be okay with you turning up to the apartment at any time.

When he had first introduced you to his best friend with a proud smile on his face and love in his eyes.   
Cautiously you tilted the key in the light, searching for the tell-tale scratch on the other side of it. 

For a moment you couldn't see it and you began to drop your hand, intending to drop the key into your own pocket when a particularly bright flash caught on the little mark in the metal that you'd been looking for.

So it was the same key.

That scratch had been etched there the first day you tried to use it, with Wooyoung dancing from one foot to the other behind you, whispering in hushed voices for you to hurry because he needed the bathroom and it was too late at night to be louder.

A tiny smile touched your lips, one filled with every ounce of love that you had shared with him.

You looked up at him, catching his eyes just briefly, searching for that same love.

It was there, blighted into tiny pieces that were edged with hurt and pain, but it was still there.

He was forgiving you for breaking him into his own unfixable pieces and giving you the key, both metaphorically and physically, to fixing the pieces that he'd broken you into when he'd first tried to help you.

"I love you." He said. His voice was so quiet and soft that if you weren't looking at him and searching his face for that love, you wouldn't have known he'd spoken or that it was for you. "I love you and I will never stop loving you, but I can't watch the two of you break yourselves to please me at the cost of your own happiness."

You opened your mouth, to say something, anything, then closed it because what could you say now?

"I can live with my pain, one day I'll find someone else. But I won't find another best friend and I won't find another you." He smiled and his fingers lifted to squeeze a small portion of your cheek as you stared at him, devastated by the words he was saying. "So help me by being happy with him, by letting yourself love him the way you've been trying not to for so long. Help me by forgiving yourself and learning to see me as the best friend of the man you love, not the man you once loved."

Your heart ached with every word he spoke until it hurt so much that tears spilt silently down your cheeks and your hands lifted to grip his shirt, holding him in place as if it would make it stop hurting.

It hurt because you understood what he was asking you, and because it was easier for you than it was going to be for him.

It hurt because all this time you had been thinking of him like some villain in a messed up fairy tale when really he'd been the good guy and you the villain.

"It hurts." You whispered to him, voice thick with the tears. You knew even as the words left you that they shouldn't. You didn't get to be the one hurting, when he was the one giving up so much of himself for you and San.

He nodded, the smile he'd been forcing on his face beginning to slip.

"I know, it will. I'm sorry it all got so messed up." He leaned forward, pressing his forehead to yours softly. "But eventually we'll both stop hurting. San will heal us both, I know he will. That's what he does."

You nodded in silent agreement, closing your eyes for a moment.

Wooyoung was right, of course he was.

You could only hope that San was willing to be the one who you both relied on until the pain ebbed away into something bearable. It was a big ask for someone who was probably more hurt and confused than you had been during the last few months.

"Y/n." Wooyoung whispered your name and your eyes flickered open again, fingers clenching around the key in your palm. "I'm going to kiss you, okay?"

A thousand reasons why it was a bad idea ran through your mind, even as you nodded to him.

There were probably more than a thousand reasons why letting yourselves have one last kiss was not a good idea.

But he was asking, and you could see the trembling of his lips as he tried desperately to hold himself together in front of you, and that was reason enough to give him one last kiss.

Let alone all that he had and was continuing to sacrifice.

He cupped your jaw, so lightly and delicately that you barely felt his touch until he was using it to angle your mouth to his.

His kiss was so gentle that it was almost not there, so light that you had to press tighter to him just to feel it.

And yet you felt like a boulder slamming into your chest, because it was filled with everything he felt and couldn't feel.

It was filled with everything.

And then he was stepping back, smiling again at you, like he hadn't just kissed you, like he hadn't changed both of your lives so drastically.

"I'll see you tonight, if San doesn't kick you out." He said, a tiny twinkle visible in his eyes as he turned away, leaving you staring slack jawed after him.

You stood there for a long time, just staring into the space he'd stood in.

You stood there for so long that you lost track of time.

You remembered the last time you had been left standing somewhere by a male.

San when he'd run from you the first time after confessing to you. You'd been so shocked and so pained by the loss of not only Wooyoung but then San, you had stood there for so long that you'd lost count of the hours.

And now you stood here, aching, until a confused and familiar voice called out your name and slow footsteps fastened to bring a surprised San into your view.

"Y/n? What are you doing here, is everything okay?" He asked breathlessly, pausing in front of you, eyebrows creased in concern. 

He looked better than he had last night, though not much.

He must have just come back from getting his hair cut because it was no longer down to his neck and the coloured streak was gone, dyed over to match his natural hair colour again.

This was how he'd looked when you first met him.

Minus the worried look.

Despite yourself, you smiled at him.

And you meant to continue smiling, to open your mouth and tell him how much you loved him.

But instead the smile crumbled into dust and a soft sob left you. 

"What happened?" He asked softly, bending slightly to deposit the plastic bag, presumably filled with groceries, at his feet before he gathered you into his arms.

He held you against him so carefully, as if you were breakable.

And maybe you were.

"I'm so sorry, San." You repeated the words, not sure when you'd started saying them or how long you'd gone on for until he tightened his arms around you, squeezing you as if to remind you that he was there.

You fell silent.

"I'm not sure what you're apologising to me for, but whatever it is, I forgive you." He finally hummed, tilting his head to stare down at you.

You could only look back silently, seeing everything as it was.

Everyone had given up so much, but you.

You were gaining while they both lost parts of themselves.

No amount of apologising could make up for that, but you silently vowed as you stared up into San's attentive eyes that every action and word from today would be towards fixing them both.

You were going to earn Wooyoung's sacrifice and San's warm heart.

But there was a right way to do it and this wasn't it. You weren't going to be the girl who sobbed into a man's arms because you were so filled with self pity that you were wasting the sacrifices of those who mattered most.

"I need to go." You told San, swiping your hand across your cheeks to rid yourself of the tears that had at some point fallen. Or maybe they hadn't stopped falling since Wooyoung had walked away.

He blinked in surprise and confusion, allowing you to step away from him, mouth agape.

"You don't have to go, you were here for a reason right?" Do you want to talk to Wooyoung? Or me? His eyes asked you as they followed every step away from him you took.

You smiled, really smiled this time.

You couldn't wait to tell him everything, you couldn't wait to kiss his cheek and hold his hand and tell him how you really felt about him.

But there were things you had to do first, people you needed to see and space your head needed clearing for the new life you were about to start.

"I'll come back tonight, if that's okay?" You paused, waiting for him to process your question.

He looked caught between following after you and leaving you to your space, his head tilted to the side, tongue caught contemplatively between his teeth.

He looked beautiful even like that and you wanted to tell him it.

But you would have time to tell him that after you'd spoken to your friends, after you'd gathered the oddly shaped pieces of yourself back together.

"Okay," He nodded slowly, clearly coming to a decision. "I'll leave the door unlocked for you."

You lifted the key up, waving it in front of his eyes with a grin.

It felt good to smile again.

"No need." You said, more cheerfully than you'd said anything in a long time.

He frowned at the key but said nothing, only giving you a once over look, like he was making sure you hadn't gone insane.

You didn't linger any longer to figure out what his conclusion was.

-=+=-

"Who is it?" Jongho's confused voice rang out from behind the door that you stood on the other side of.

"Y/n." You muttered, stepping back to allow the door to swing open.

After a few moments it did, revealing your curious friends behind it.

"So?" Yeosang was, unsurprisingly, the first to break the heavy silence, glancing around at his friends with an exasperated expression before refocusing on you, one eyebrow lifted in question. 

You inhaled, pulling the oxygen deep into your lungs and holding it there for a moment as you twisted the words you wanted to say around your mouth first, better preparing yourself to really say them aloud.

Your eyes searched the crowd of your friends, your support pillars, for Seonghwa. He stood in-between Mingi and Hongjoong, serious eyes watching you as you sought him out.

It was him that had given you the push that you'd needed. It was Seonghwa that had been the most unexpected friendship of them all in this room. Seonghwa who had been so dramatically different from the person you met on day one than the one he was now.

Seonghwa who cautious Yunho had warned you about and observed through stern eyes during the first few days, waiting for some ball to drop that never had.

"I spoke to Wooyoung." You told him, setting your jaw and tilting your head. Anticipation coursed through you, and you expected a chorus of voices to begin with questions.

But everyone was silent, watching, waiting.

Seonghwa nodded, whether to acknowledge your words or whether as an indication for you to continue, you didn't know.

And suddenly the carefully planned speech began to slip out of your reach and you floundered before them all, looking from one loving face to the next.

When had they become your family? Even Hongjoong and Jongho, so new to the group, felt like they perfectly fit amongst the circle they stood in. Like it had been fate for them to be here, to meet you and to meet each other.

Yunho shifted on his feet, lips pursing contemplatively at you.

He was trying not to leap to your side, to comfort you as you began to visibly lose control of your emotions.

Yunho, your giant teddy bear of a friend who had been the glue that dragged you to them.

A low keening pain began to whine inside your chest.

Yeosang who had been the hardest to win over, who you sometimes wondered if you had ever really won over.. who you knew somewhere inside you, would step in front of a speeding car for any of you.

"It was a misunderstanding." You heard yourself tell the waiting figures.

Silence met your words and you closed your eyes tightly.

Of course this wasn't going to be easy. They were on your side and your side had been the victim for as long as you'd known them.

You'd never realised that you were telling and living the wrong side of the story.

And so you tried, you tried to tell them the right story. And they tried, you could tell they were trying, to believe what you were feeding them even though it was a drastically different story to the one they'd always known and believed.

Mingi was the quietest of them all when the pause came at the end of your explanation, and it bothered you the most to see his normally excitable figure standing so tensely in place, mind clearly working overtime to process your words and let go of the anger he'd held towards Wooyoung and even San throughout your friendship.

His broad shoulders were squared so stubbornly that you had to hold your breath and pray that whatever was going on in his head, he would accept that you didn't hold hatred in your heart for Wooyoung now.

You needed them to understand because they were your family, your support system. And you wanted them to be apart of your life with San and even Wooyoung.

You glanced at Seonghwa, a tiny smile dancing on your lips at the thought of the friendship he might share with San and Wooyoung. Their personalities were so loud and messy and his was quiet and tidy.

And yet something inside you screamed that they would make the perfect match, that your two families had to mix and fit together and Seonghwa was the key to that.

It was why you had to had turn away from San, despite your aching heart demanding you stay with him and explain and tell him the things you had held back for so long. 

Because you couldn't go back to the life you had had before, when it had just been Wooyoung and San and you. It was more than that now, losing them had gained you more and you couldn't give them up, you wouldn't. So they needed to understand first, the way you were beginning to. 

Not everything was black and white. People had made mistakes, on every side. Pain had been felt by everyone and caused by everyone. 

Jongho cleared his throat, rubbing his hands together as he looked around the room. He looked like he wanted to speak, but no words came from him. His eyes finally landed back on you and a tiny shred of relief slipped from the tense dark cloud in your gut, because in them was acceptance and understanding. 

But there were still five other pieces - Seonghwa, Yeosang, Hongjoong, Mingi and Yunho. 

Each as important as the other to you, you looked desperately between their passive expressions. 

"I don't like it." Hongjoong finally sighed, shaking his head slightly. Everyone looked at him, waiting, because he was still frowning a little like he had more to say. "I don't like it but I think I get it." 

Reluctantly, the others began to nod one by one, first Yeosang then Mingi then robotically Seonghwa and finally Yunho. 

"You gave me more than I ever thought I could have." You said softly to the room, though you looked now to Yunho. 

Because he had given you the most, more than anybody in your life could have in that moment that you had needed it most. 

Jeong Yunho had been your salvation and you would never forget it. 

He was still and silent, so unlike himself that you worried for a moment that his nod of agreement had been a reflex rather than an acceptance and the last little piece of doubt and fear and worry danced back from the brink, taunting you. 

And then he opened his arms to you, tilting his head with a tiny smile and you were rushing into them, burying your face into his chest as his arms closed around you and his head dropped, mouth close to your ear as he spoke softly. 

"I never expected you to become my family, to fit into the one I had and make it somehow better and bigger. But I'm glad I did, I'm glad you did." 

And finally you allowed yourself to feel your relief as more bodies joined in the hug until everyone in the room was simply a pile of arms, crushing you. 

You could barely breathe, but that was okay.


	8. Chapter 7

The door to San and Wooyoung's apartment was open by the time you showed up, a small gap through which you could see the warm glow of the hallway light being left on and the moving shadows dancing along the visible walls, likely caused by whichever or both of the boys inside.   
  
You started towards the door, stopping when a stray thought caught and snagged in your mind, freezing your feet in place.   
  
What if after all of this, San didn't want you the way he had first told you he wanted you. What if, despite the car ride home with his hand in yours and the brief surge of hope that small seceret smile of his had given you, you were riding on the false belief that he was still in love with you. 

A bitter, sad smile pulled at your mouth as you teetered indecisively on the threshold to their apartment, watching those shadows moving, trying absentmindedly to decide which boy they belonged to.   
  
You couldn't blame San if that were the case, if somewhere along the way between each hard hit of rejection and pain you had served him, he had given up on loving you. In fact it was what you deserved.   
  
But it would have made all the pain and suffering shared between the three of you so pointless.   
  
You closed your eyes over the dancing, flickering shadows, and remembered San showing up to your apartment just hours after Wooyoung had broken your heart indefinitely.   
  
You remembered still the confusion you had felt and the shining guilt in his eyes and the box in his hands that had hidden your laptop. The laptop that had tipped you closer to figuring out his feelings for you.   
  
Your eyelids clenched tighter over your eyes, the ghost of his touch on your face tingling the skin around your jaw.   
  
You had forgotten so much of that day, shoved it so far into the clutter in your mind that you'd all but moved past something he had said.   
  
_"I know you don't understand it, why I'm so upset about it. He's my best friend right? He should matter to me more than his girlfriend does. He figured it out a while ago I think, but he found out for sure this morning."  
_

San had known that Wooyoung had known.   
  
A small, soft sound escaped you and you felt like a balloon that had had a pin shoved through it, all of your energy deflating from you.   
  
The entire, rushed, walk here you had been going over and over in your mind how to tell San this story, how best to explain everything.   
  
How had you forgotten he already knew?  
  
But he had never told you.   
  
He knew Wooyoung had known, but not that Wooyoung had never truly cheated on you, not that it had all been so craftily staged.   
  
A sharp pang gripped your heart, paralysing you completely on the spot. The shadows had stopped inside the apartment too.   
  
All this time, had San thought that it was because of him, because of his feelings for you, that Wooyoung had broken your heart so cruelly? 

"Y/n?" The door swung wider, revealing a tired looking San, rubbing at his slowly blinking eyes. "It's so late, I didn't think you were going to come."   
  
More guilt piled on top of the already mountainous pile in your heart as you stared back into his exhausted face, almost lined by the events of the last few days, let alone the last months.   
  
He had been through so much, were you even worth it? How could you be...  
  
"Hey," His welcoming smile faltered into a frown and he stepped out from the doorway, towards you with one hand outstretched to touch the back of your own where it was wrapped around your elbows, clinging your arms tightly around yourself as if it would quell the guilt and terror you felt. "What's going on?"   
  
He was so kind, he was so kind that it hurt.   
  
He had been so giving and loving all his life, losing bits and pieces of himself, giving them away to others. And you had taken so many small pieces of him without realising it.  
  
"San I-" You choked and paused, looking away from that beautiful face. If you were going to say this and destroy both of your lives with these words, you didn't think you could bear to do it with him looking at you with those sweet eyes.   
  
But San had different plans, his fingers darting with swift movements to grip your turned chin, redirecting it back towards him. The softness in his gaze was gone, replaced by anticipation and expectation, one eyebrow lifted.   
  
"You look at me when you say it." He told you quietly. The soft whisper of each word hit you like a ball being thrown at your face and you could only stare, wide eyed and stunned, at him.   
  
But of course it shouldn't be surprising to you that he was over waiting for you to be on the same page as he was. It shouldn't surprise you that the soft gentle boy had a limit to be reached just like anyone else, one that had surely been reached long before he'd decided to leave his shared apartment with his best friend.   
  
His escape from the pain of seeing the best friend he thought he had caused to hurt the one he loved, with his own love.   
  
You closed your eyes, just for a moment, and let your mind have a breather from the sight of him.   
  
You gave yourself a moment to just feel every little thing for Choi San that you had never been _allowed_ to feel, and you began to disappear into it.   
  
You opened your eyes again, softening on the man before you, waiting so patiently and yet so impatiently, his fingers still lingering feather light against your chin. Just there, waiting for you to try and look away again but not forcing you to remain locked completely on him.   
  
As if you wanted to ever look away from him again.   
  
_Inhale, exhale._ You had to remind yourself.   
  
"San," You lifted your hand to touch his on your face, lightly tracing the smooth skin with your fingertip. You had never realised how small his hands truly were, nearly smaller than yours. His eyes flickered warily after your hand, tracing the movement as if expecting you to pull his hand away.   
  
But you didn't.   
  
"I love you." You whispered, letting each word fall slowly and purposfully from your lips. His body tensed, his hand stiffening underneath yours. "I have loved you for a longer time than I realised."   
  
He lifted his gaze to meet yours, anguished and swimming with something new and different.   
  
Was it happiness? You hadn't seen it on anyone in so long.. it was hard to tell. 

  
  
Cautiously you stepped closer to him, one hand still over his, keeping it against you, the other reaching for his cheek, touching it lightly.   
  
He didn't move away, but his eyes closed so tightly that his whole face crinkled a little.   
  
"I love you." You repeated, louder this time. His lips twitched a little and his eyes opened a little, taking you in. "I love you San."   
  
"What about Wooyoung?" He asked, taking you aback. Your hand stilled on his cheek and you frowned a little.   
  
It wasn't exactly the first question you had expected from him, but then San had never been one to adhere to expectations. He went far and beyond them, it was one of the many qualities you had slowly fallen in love with over the years.   
  
His eyes prompted you to answer him when you remained silent before him, his hand slipping out from underneath yours.   
  
You ached immediately for the lack of contact despite still having yours pressed against his cheek, bottom of your palm resting ever so lightly over his neck, his pulse beating reguarly against it.   
  
It tickled but not enough to have you adjusting the position.   
  
"What about him?" You challenged, lifting an eyebrow at him. He blinked, for a moment returning to the soft edged boy with soft eyes and a dimpled smile, before the mask returned hardening his features.   
  
"You loved him too." He reminded you, as if you needed reminding of that. "He hurt you, and it was my fault. So how could you love me?"   
  
His words left him so hurriedly that he had to pause to catch his breath, nose flaring slightly as he breathed in and out.   
  
How you responded to this was important, yet all you wanted to do was laugh.   
  
Laugh because this had all become so twisted and messy.   
  
"It was never your fault." You murmured, thumb absentmindedly stroking a small circle against his cheek. "Wooyoung figured us both out, not just you."  
  
"Both?" San repeated the word softly, tilting his head and consequently pressing more into your hand.   
  
You watched his dark eyes explore whatever expression he saw on your face, watched the confusion furrow his eyebrows.   
  
"Both." You affirmed with a slight nod.   
  
"Even then?" His eyes were so wide but his voice was quieter than you had ever heard it, making you step closer to catch them.   
  
You simply nodded in response when your brain finally processed his question.   
  
"There was never another girl," You told San, finally dropping your hand from his face. "He knew that me thinking he had cheated would push me away from him."   
  
San let out a tiny derisive snort, glancing over his shoulder towards the still open doorway behind him.   
  
So Wooyoung must be inside somewhere. Knowing him he was just out of sight, far enough to not be seen by either of you but close enough to hear the conversation.   
  
Ever the stickybeak, but then he had a large invested role in this too, no doubt he wanted to know whether all he had sacrificed would amount to what he had hoped. Whether it had been worth all the pain.   
  
"Idiot." He sighed. "What an idiot."   
  
You couldn't help a small smile. You had missed him so much, you had missed them both so much.   
  
"He loves us both." You said aloud, voicing the thought without meaning to. San looked back at you, a sad smile twisting his lips that surely matched the sad and reluctant happiness you were feeling. "He loves us so much, enough to sacrifice to watch us be happy."   
  
You realised too late that your words had held the assumption that San was even willing to accept your love for him anymore and your mouth snapped shut, lips thinning into a line.   
  
San glanced at you contemplatively, a hand lifting to run through his hair.   
  
"Happy." He mumbled the word to himself, like he was testing it out. He looked at you again and you looked away, mostly to hide the absolute terror you found yourself wallowing in.   
  
You wanted him, wanted him to still love you.  
  
But you knew it had been too long, you had taken so long to understand everything.   
  
And not all of that had been your fault, yet it had as far as time was concerned.   
  
"Y/n, look at me."   
  
You clenched your jaw, hands curling into loose fists at your side.   
  
"I don't think I can." You admitted weakly, staring hard at the ground.   
  
San was wearing those shoes you had always teased him for, because they were the ugliest shade of blue.   
  
But seeing them so close to you, they were actually quite beautiful in their own unique way.   
  
And they were moving closer.   
  
Your neck snapped up in a knee jerk reaction to him stepping closer to you, eyes finding his swirling with a hot mess of emotions, an unexpected tear glistening in the bottom lashes of his eyes.  
  
"I," He reached for your face, somehow dragging it closer to his at an alarmingly fast pace without being harsh. "Love," His mouth brushed your nose, sending tingles throughout you. "You."   
  
His mouth lingered over yours and every cell in your body screamed, because he was so close, because he had just told you he loved you, because he was accepting you.   
  
"Y/n," He whispered, lips just barely caressing yours with the word.   
  
You wanted to melt into the floor, into his steady hands, into a puddle of delight and relief.   
  
You wanted to scream with happiness and joy.   
  
The months and months of pain and heartache and confusion that had draped over you, a cloak of lonliness and depression and terror, fell off you the moment his soft lips finally closed the distance between the two of you.   
  
Distantly you heard a soft sound, suspsciously like a heavy sigh of relief followed by footsteps that faded until all that was left was a silence.   
  
And you and San.   
  
You had been so terrified he would turn you away, tell you that you had taken too long, that his heart had moved on.   
  
And yet here he was, holding you so gently, his lips so soft and warm against yours.   
  
All of it had been worth it for this one moment with him.   
  
"So what does this mean?" You finally summoned the willpower to pull away from him, hands lingering on his forearms because to let him go in this moment surely would end this dream you found yourself in. "What now?"   
  
A smile curved those beautiful lips, so lovely that you were certain just for a heartbeat that you had surely passed out at some point and dreamed this all.   
  
"Now," He hummed, a finger lifting to stroke your cheekbone, those brown eyes holding you captive under an intense gaze. "Now we're going to find Wooyoung and.." He twisted his mouth, clearly searching for the right words. "Beat him up."   
  
Despite yourself, a small laugh escaped you.   
  
"I think he's done enough beating himself up for the both of us." You reminded San with a smile.   
  
"He sacrificed so much.." For a moment sadness touched San's face and you felt it too, a painful tug deep in your chest.   
  
All the happiness you were feeling now, all the happiness that you would feel with San from this moment was built on Wooyoung's pain and heartbreak and the betrayals that you had so strongly believed in being real for so long.  
  
"He sacrificed everything." You agreed.   
  
You had to look away, eyes seeking out the doorway, as if you might find your ex standing there, watching you both with a sad smile or a heartbroken expression.   
  
But it was empty and you were positive that whether he had been there earlier or not, he was not there now.   
  
No he would be in there somewhere trying to heal himself.   
  
In that moment, you swore that you wouldn't enjoy a single moment with San, not fully, until you both helped him find the same happiness he had surrendered to you.   
  
You glanced back at San, meaning to voice the thought aloud only to find it shining with forceful determination already in his eyes.   
  
Of course it was, Wooyoung was his best friend. A love he had longer than whatever he felt for you, there was no question - you would both help him before you truly helped yourselves.   
  
However long it took. 

But for this moment here, you finally had, almost everything, you had wanted.   
  
  


**A/N -** My lovely, beautiful readers!! This is essentially the last chapter.   
What a journey writing this has been! I can't say I'm 100% satisifed with the ending I've written here. I wish that I could have written it better but it's been so long since i began the story and I just NEEDED it to have an ending finally. It is still the essence of how I wanted it to end though!   
I hope that the majority of you are happy with this ending! There is one bonus chapter after this ;) but it is very very small be warned, just a little something. I hope to write another bonus chapter one day if I can find the motivation for it.   
I truly love every one of you for the support and love on this story. I'm going to take a short break and work on another one and remember I'm always willing to take requests!   
  
Hopefully I can revisit this someday to rewrite a better ending but for the time being this is it~! The story is finally over, San and reader got their happy ending and Wooyoung was not ALL bad ;) 


	9. BONUS CHAPTER 8

"Stop fussing, god." You lightly slapped San's fluttering hands on his collar. He had buttoned and unbuttoned and buttoned it again so many times that it was beginning to crease and lose it's shape completely. 

"I'm not!" He insisted with a weak grin at you, the lie all but glittering in his anxious eyes. "I just want to make a good impression." 

You resisted the urge to first roll your eyes and second snort in amusement. 

"San it's not like it's my parents you're meeting." 

For a moment he was silent, staring contemplatively off into the distance, bottom lip tucked below his teeth. 

When he looked back at you, he was smiling. 

That smile that was soft and gentle and loving, the one that made you want to melt at the knees and giggle like a child. 

"They may not be your parents, but I know they're every bit as important, if not more." He reached for your hands, squeezing them lightly. "They held you up when I couldn't, when you needed it most. They were your support and the reason you came back to me. They are as much your family as your parents are." 

You could only blink in stunned silence back at him. 

You had of course told him everything about the six men that had been behind you. You just hadn't realised how much he had really heard when you told him all of it. 

As ever, San was more perceptive than you gave him credit for. 

"Y/n!" Cheerful voices chorused out to you, dragging your attention away from the handsome man in front of you and to the approaching group. 

Each wore a smile, mixed emotions of pride, love, happiness, relief and satisfaction a dancing rainbow displayed across each face. 

Yunho reached you first, his large arms easily sweeping you away from San and into his chest, face burying comfortably against the top of your head. 

"I knew you had it in you." He murmured quietly, pulling away to share a proud smile with you. "You finally got the happy ending you deserved, hm?" 

His hand squeezed your shoulder before he released you over to the rest of the boys, each of whom hugged you with similar sentiments shared in their own ways, until all that was left was Seonghwa. 

You smiled at him, lifting an eyebrow at his pursed lips and guarded expression. 

"Aren't you happy?" You tilted your head, all too aware of San standing just off to the side, anxiously watching the group of six watching him over your shoulder. 

You wanted to introduce them, wanted for the man you love to meet the other men you loved, your family as he had so eloquently placed them. 

But first you wanted this moment over with, wanted the approval and understanding of the one who had given you the push you needed most of all. 

You weren't sure whether the carefully blank look on Seonghwa's face was a hint of his dissatisfaction or a mask to hide something else, but the nerves you had forced into a jar jangled against the glass, threatening to spill over finally. 

"Seonghwa?" You prompted quietly, staring desperately into his eyes. 

And the mask cracked, a wide smile splitting straight through it like sun breaking through storm clouds finally. 

"Of course I am, idiot." He hummed, decisively drawing you into a long hug. 

"Now, let's finally meet him then." He drew back, grinning and gesturing welcomingly over your head in San's direction. 

To your utmost amusement you heard the small figure exhale a heavy, audible sigh of relief as he stepped forward, hand lightly coming to rest on your back as he flashed an eager smile to each of your friends.

"Hi, I'm San. Y/n's partner."


End file.
